Bank Gives Kevin Nash Free Money

Bank Gives Kevin Nash Free Money

Big Sexy Once Again Paid to Do Nothing

MIAMI, FL — Bank of America (NYSE: BofA) has decided to award $500,000 in cash to wrestler Kevin Nash for apparently no reason, the company reported Friday afternoon at a press conference.

Nash, who has a track record of receiving huge salaries from wrestling promotions for doing very little, deposited the check later that afternoon to the delight of bank executives who gladly processed the transaction.

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Nash with bank manager Judy Gomez, who handed him a check for $500,000.

When asked by reporters why the bank was giving free money to Nash, BofA Miami branch manager Judy Gomez responded, “I don’t know. He’s big, I guess. And funny. Plus, everyone else gives him free money, so we thought we should too. He charmed the pants off our bank tellers. And again, he’s a seven-footer. To me, it’s justified.”

Indeed, Nash has a long history of earning big paychecks for not doing much work.

Most recently, he was getting paid $5,000 per TV taping while working with the Total Nonstop Action (TNA) group in Orlando.

With TNA doing as many as three tapings in one day, that meant Nash would walk away with up to $15,000 for just showing up.

And once he showed up, he hardly broke a sweat. Nash admitted this while cashing his check Friday.

“I sort of felt bad,” he explained.

“You’ve got these little guys here, doing crazy high spots, busting their asses, and risking their bodies and lives with these crazy aerial moves. And they can barely pay their rent. Then I walk in and get a rubdown by hot chicks with baby oil, mumble through a promo, and walk about with fifteen grand. I can see their frustration.”

Nash was referring to an episode of TNA Impact in which he received a massage as part of a wrestling angle.

He was paid $5,000 for the massage.

Prior to TNA, Nash received close to $1 million in 2002 for sitting out most of the year with an injury while with World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE).

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Nash was an original nWo member in 1996… and has been getting (over)paid for it ever since.

Explains TNA announcer Mike Tenay, “In 2002, Vince McMahon brought back the nWo (New World Order) in what was supposed to be a huge angle. Hulk Hogan eventually turned face and drew a big buyrate with Rock. Scott Hall was eventually fired for misconduct.

But Nash, with a salary in the high six figures, was injured shortly after he was signed. He basically sat out the year at home, collecting gigantic paychecks every week.”

But some say Nash did deserve his money at one time.

“Without question, Nash was an extremely important factor in turning WCW around in 1996,” continued Tenay. “He was never a good wrestler, but he and Hall did make WCW look cool. That is undeniable. But that was nine years ago. In 2005, he is still receiving free money for generally doing nothing.”

In 1996, Nash gave his notice to the WWF and left for WCW, which paid him a guaranteed contract of at least $650,000 per year.

After WCW’s business turned around, he received numerous raises, several times topping the $1 million mark.

After WCW’s business nose-dived, Nash continued to make even more money, despite not being able to draw it.

How did he manage to make such good money?

“I did this really cool thing with my hands, where I made my fingers point in the shape of a triangle,” demonstrated Nash.

“Then I ram my elbow in the guy’s face. Easiest damn thing in the world. Then I stretch my leg, with my boot under the guy’s chin for 5 seconds. Again, easy as pie. I do the Wolfpac signal, lift my leg for the high kick, and powerbomb my way to victory. All this, just because I’m big. While technically I was working, to me it was free money.”

Now, between high-paying wrestling gigs, Nash earns more money by doing films.

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One incredibly rich, lucky man.

“I just wrapped up production work on The Longest Yard,” said Nash, referring to the new movie starring Adam Sandler and Chris Rock that drew $50 million over the weekend.

The movie also stars wrestlers Steve Austin, Bill Goldberg, and quasi-wrestler Bob Sapp.

“But calling it ‘work,’ is a stretch, and I should know,” he continued.

“All day I sat in a trailer and got nude lap dances. In the film industry, it’s called ‘trailer action.’ Groupies come in the trailer, have sex with me, and leave. And I was paid for this.”

When prompted by one reporter to wonder if his life could possibly be any better, Nash was stumped. “I make gobs of money, and I do nothing. That has been the story of my life for the past 12 years. I wouldn’t change a thing. I picked the right parents, and grew really tall and big. That’s my talent, you could say (laughs).”

Scores of wrestlers would agree.

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