Rate of Shrinkage May Only Last Another 5 Years
PALO ALTO, CA — Scientists at Stanford University have determined that World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) performers Batista and Bobby Lashley will disappear by the year 2012, at which point they will completely disintegrate. Following their disappearance, they said, the two former world champions will cease to exist as living human beings.
Batista and Lashley are two wrestlers who were affected the most by WWE’s recent crackdown on the usage of anabolic steroids.
Based on their television appearance, they had shrunk to an alarming degree in just two months, dropping close to 50 pounds among the two of them.
“At this rate of shrinkage, we expect they’ll last another five years at the most,” stated the report, which appeared in the October issue of Science Weekly.
“Of those five years, approximately two of them would be in a state in which both performers would be under 36 inches tall, and thus presumably unable to wrestle at the top level.”
After getting off steroids, immediate shrinkage is recognizable to even the naked eye, said Dr. Kinsington of Stanford.
“You’ll see a loss of 10 to 15 pounds pretty much instantly,” he explained. “After that, the rate slows down to about 50 pounds a year of muscle loss.”
Since both men weigh roughly 250 pounds as of this writing, that means both should last another 5 years. After that, Kinsington said, they’ll literally vanish.
“Unless steroid use resumes, we calculate that both men will be invisible to high powered microscopes by mid 2012, and then completely gone a few months after that,” he continued.
Lashley wasn’t answering reporters’ questions this afternoon at the arena, but one reporter said he looked to have lost even more weight since last week.
“Honestly, I think 2012 is being optimistic,” said a reporter from an internet wrestling website. “When I first saw him, I ran up to him and hugged him, thinking it was Emmanuel Lewis from the old Webster TV show. He pushed me away, and I apologized, thinking instead it was Gary Coleman from Diff’rent Strokes. Finally I put my glasses on and saw it was Bobby Lashley. He came up to here (points to his chin). Personally, I say they disappear by ’09.”
Michael Seitz, who helps write for WWE and who once wrestled as “Freebird” Michael Hayes, said all storylines involving Batista and Lashley will continue for now.
“As long as we can see ’em, they’re workin’ for us,” he promised in a phone interview. “If they get really small, we’ll re-open the midget division,” he said, referring to the dropped wrestling division from 2006 that featured much smaller men. “Fans have never seen (Batista and Lashley) do topes and huracanranas, so we think it would work as a novelty act.”
Other wrestlers in WWE, who have also lost muscle mass of late, remained confident that the scientific study was incorrect.
“Look, this is WWE,” said one top performer who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “As soon as this whole Congress investigation dies down, we’re all getting back on the juice, especially those guys (points to Batista and Lashley). In other words, they ain’t goin’ nowhere. The shrinkage will reverse, and they will look like they used to look. In fact, by 2012, they will likely be bigger than ever.”