The holidays are near, which means yours truly takes his one and only break of the year. My harem of babes is busy with their families, giving me a rare breather for a day or two.
So what does that mean? Well it’s the season of giving, and I might as well use my down time to help out you boneheads with your down time (and by “down,” I mean you’re looking down at your c*ck non-stop, because Lord knows no one else will).
Bring on the mailbag, folks. It’s time for Dr. Dave.
To have your questions answered by moi, send your questions to The Armpit. Without further ado, let’s got on to the mailbag o’ losers.
Dear Dr. Dave,
I thought I got lucky. After a night of too much Tequila I ended up in bed with a couple of great looking brunettes. The next day when I went to the bathroom and came back I heard the two women arguing about who would become my girlfriend. That was two days ago and my excuses to have more 3-ways and not talk about a future are exhausted and they want me to choose between them.
I have never gotten this much great sex and don’t feel like I should choose. What about my needs? Who cares about what they want? They can share me (I don’t mind). Why do women always screw up good things.
Tom what is your advice?
Pissed in Europe
DB: Did you hear that? That’s the sound of thousands of pathetic losers falling to the floor as they read, with amazement, about your supposed accomplishment. 99.9% of the goobers reading this need a Holy miracle to get anything resembling female to even notice their presence in the hallway, let alone jump naked into bed with them (with another female too, no less). If you’re telling the truth, and that is certainly suspect, then I suppose you deserve some sort of pat on the back. Not from me, of course, but perhaps someone else should.
What you are experiencing is something I can certainly help you with, because the idea of multiple women falling for me is something I deal with on an hourly basis (the difference between your situation and mine, however, is that my women are models and yours are fat slobs).
To benefit from this once-in-a-lifetime (for you, that is) scenario, you need to first understand women. Repeat after me: if a decent-looking woman wants you, then so will other women. That is why a wedding ring is the most effective pickup tool you can utilize when out on the town (I’ve got one, and I’m single). It’s like compound interest; once it starts, it keeps piling on. Jealous women become more aggressive, and they will do unheard-of things to get the man they want.
Unfortunately, the cause of this lusty behavior is not the man himself, even in my case. That is, it doesn’t matter who the man is; if a woman wants him, then so will her friends. They are wanting you because someone ELSE does, and NOT because of your distinguishing qualities (of which I’m sure you have none, anyway). Like I said, this is even true in my case. Women fight over my bones every hour on the hour, but I’m smart enough to realize that it’s not necessarily because of me, but because women love to compete.
Which, quite frankly, angers me. Women should love me because of me. I’m humble, handsome, sexy, intelligent, and the world’s greatest master in the bedroom. I’m like Sam Malone, except I’m real (and younger, and better looking).
But I digress. Women can f*ck me for me or they can f*ck me because they’re competing, as long as they f*ck me. And make no mistake about it, they do f*ck me. Hard.
So what I’m telling you is this: treat these women with the attitude that not only will you not choose either of them, you’ll choose NEITHER of them. Tell them it’s not fair that they’re making you choose, and that instead of having one or the other, you’re going to turn them both down and go for someone else. This will drive the women wild, and they’ll fight even harder to win your affection. And that includes sleeping with you, whether or not her friend is sleeping with you too or not.
In essence, you are putting yourself on a higher pedestal, and making them compete for you. Have you ever seen The Bachelor or Rock of Love? Of course you have, because you have no life. Women will go that extra mile when they know there are others competing for your affection. Dangle the carrot, tease them, and f*ck them all along the way.
Here’s the bad news: this won’t last forever. A true master, like myself, can make it last two months, tops. But that’s ok; who wants to deal with the same woman for more than two months anyway?? You know going in that it’s only temporary, but that’s fine. Your goal is to maximize 3-ways and minimize stress. Eventually one of the women will give up trying and bow out. And since the competition will then be over, so will your appeal. Girl #2 will then leave too, and you’ll be left alone. But don’t worry, there are plenty of other women out there waiting. Well, in my case they are. For you… I’m not so sure.
On second thought, this is you we’re talking about. Chances are, you’ll never get laid again. You know what? Forget everything I just said. Pick one of the brunettes and marry her; it’s your only shot at having sex in your lifetime, so take it. Leave the 3-ways to guys like me, because I’m a professional. You? You’ll never reach my level, so take the first girl that says Yes and marry her before she changes her mind. You’d better hurry.
Dear Dr. Dave:
I’m a 32-year-old married man with a 2-year-old kid. Obviously you are going to call me a loser for being married and a father but I consider myself lucky. Why? Because she’s a nurse, which means she works night shifts so I can do what I want like playing poker with my friends, or being a “friendly host” to other kind of company.
Anyway, here’s my problem. Before I married my wife, I dated my sister-in-law for 6 weeks, but that ended in the worst possible way. However, last year, the three of us went on vacation together, and one night, I went out with my sister-in-law while my wife stayed home with my kid. After a long night of drinking she starts saying that she wanted me, but couldn’t do it because I was married to her sister. Needless to say that I was horny and pissed of.
Now, once in a while, she looks at me like she wants to get down and dirty, but I don’t want to be the one that takes the first step and I don’t really know if she’s just teasing me.
How the f*ck do I solve this problem?
On a side note, as an added bonus, I hate that f*cking new boyfriend of hers, so it would be like killing two birds with one stone. Screwing her and putting on a pair of long horns in her boyfriend’s head.
DB: I just love it when married men ask me for advice. It’s like a guy on Death Row asking me for advice on nutrition. I have the same answer to you both: IT DOESN’T MATTER, because your life is over anyway.
In your case, Horny, your life will not only never get better, but could also get worse if you play your cards wrong.
For starters, read my response to the first reader’s question above. It says that a guy who has a chick will automatically attract more chicks, regardless of who he is. Many dumbf*cks get the wrong idea and think that it’s their charming personality that makes these women want them.
These men attract women simply because they have a woman, and for no other reason. And the types of women they attract are just like the type of woman they have. So if your average truck driver is married to your average gross, disgusting pig, then he better not think he’s going to attract Pam Anderson. He’s going to attract other gross, disgusting pigs.
And since you’re a wrestling fan on the internet, odds are your woman is a gross, disgusting pig. And going by my theory above, so is her ugly sister. And lucky you, you’re in the middle of them, like some little clit in a twat sandwich. And like a woman, you’re bitching about it. You make me sick (but not as sick as I would get if I saw a picture of either of those tubs of lard you call “women”).
But you’re asking me what to do, so I’m going to tell you. Do you remember Ricky Morton? Of course you do, you’re a hick. He was married once, too, and had a kid, like you. He fooled around on her, too. How did that end up? Very, very bad. Ricky got stuck paying child support for years, and ended up in jail when he couldn’t pay. There are no women in jail, just horny men like yourself.
You see, Horny, your situation is different than that of Pissed in Europe (see first letter above). Pissed is an idiot, but not dumb enough to get married (yet). You, on the other hand, are married, which means you’ve already proven yourself to be dumb. And it would be even dumber if you f*cked her sister.
Why? Well, here’s exactly what would happen to you if you did:
Your wife would find out. Women talk, especially sisters. Trust me, she’d find out.
Your wife would leave you and take you to the cleaners. Suddenly, Horny Brother-in-Law would be Broke Brother-in-Law.
Her sister would also leave you. Remember, she wants you because you’re taken. If you’re suddenly broke and available, you quickly lose that charm of yours (I’m being sarcastic, assh*le).
Instead of choosing between two bottom-feeding sluts, you’ll be choosing between neither of them. Oh wait, I take that back. You’ll be choosing between two people, but they’ll be named Bubba and Bruno, your new cellmates. Grease up that hole, Horny.
In other words, take you and your blue balls to the bedroom and either wack off or pork that hillbilly wife of yours. How bad can it be to not f*ck her sister? You spent your whole life not f*cking anyone, so another 10 or so years is a piece of cake. At that point, you’ll either die from matrimonial misery, or from when that Hippo wife of yours crushes you like a chocolate chip pancake. You’ll be screaming, “I’m coming!” all right, but you’ll be saying it to God, because that’s the next person you’ll see after she splatters you to death.
You made your bed, so lie in it. And lie in it with your wife. That is, if you can both fit in it.
Has another month passed already? Where does the time go. Well folks, that’s all for now. Tune in next time for another educational edition of Dear Dr. Dave, and in the meantime, keep sending me those letters. It’s Christmas time, which means I’m getting laid about half as much as usual, but that’s still 100 times as much as any of you are getting it. The extra time just means more time to plot next year’s conquests.
My new year’s resolution? To f*ck. Just like it is every year. Ahh, it’s good to be me.
Contact me and I’ll answer you in the next column. By that point, with Christmas over, I’ll be back to being knee deep in p*ssy. You? You’ll be knee deep in your own semen, frustrated and miserable at your lonely party of one. Another day in reality, huh? Haha, Merry Christmas, pricks. I hope Santa gives you all what you really want: a female who can spend 2 minutes with you without retching.
Good luck with that. Adios, creeps.
Disclaimer: Dave Batista didn’t really write this. The Armpit did. But we know it’s what Dave would say.