It Makes No F’n Sense

The Worm

Why is it that 90% of the time, NOBODY moves while Scotty 2 Hotty does the prelude to the Worm. I mean, the crowd is telling the guy that it’s coming by chanting W.O.R.M. I mean, it takes 30 seconds for him to hop and chop, and the guy is out from that simple karate chop?

And who’s dumber, the guy taking the Worm, or the guy giving it? Why waste those 30 seconds doing the Worm and allow him to recover? And how is doing the Worm make the chop any more effective than just chopping him without doing the Worm in the first place? (thanks to Mike Perry, Houston, TX)

Best 2 out of 3 Fall Matches

Plain and simple. Have we ever seen a best 2 out of 3 end in 2 falls? Maybe in Mexico, where almost every match is 2 out of 3 falls. But in America, we sure haven’t seen it. And isn’t it odd that in matches like these, the falls always happen rather quickly? How come they don’t come as quickly in 1-fall matches?

Isn’t it also amazing that the first two falls almost always end cleanly, without the elaborate finishing sequence most matches have? No ref bumps, DQs, countouts, or foreign objects used in the first two falls.

Here’s an idea: the next time you want to get someone over, have him/her win 2 straight falls of a 2 out of 3 falls match. Since it never happens, fans would take notice and take the wrestler seriously. (thanks to Mike Perry, Houston, TX)

Who’s The Dude With the Camera?

With all the shenanigans going on backstage, why does no one acknowledge the presence of the freakin’ camera? Is it there? Is it not there? Why was a camera allowed backstage to watch Kane abuse Lita?

Why does there always seem to be a camera whenever a conversation backstage is taking place? Do wrestlers only speak when a camera is there? “Hey Stephanie, I really want to tell you something about tonight’s match, but the camera isn’t here yet. Let’s give it 5 minutes…” Does that make any sense at all? And what if a wrestler wants to say something in private? Does he say, “Sorry, please don’t film this right now.” If so, why is that never shown?

Also, how do conversations always seem to start just as a match ends? Why is a backstage skit never aired in progress, which would make far more sense? And why are wrestlers talking backstage anyway, or shown walking around? This is Raw (or SmackDown, etc), supposedly the hottest show on TV. Wrestlers should be watching the matches on the monitor, not chit chatting. If they don’t care about watching the matches, then why should we? (thanks to Dan Buday, Saskatchewan, Canada)

Hardcore Matches

How come in hardcore matches, there are garbage cans in the bottom of the ring? Who in the Hell leaves trash under the ring? Does anyone clean under the ring while the match is going on?

Also notice how there are magically always tables, chairs, sledgehammers, baseball bats, and kendo sticks under the ring? How does that happen? Does HHH get to the arena before the show starts, look around to make sure no one is looking, and sneak a sledgehammer under the ring? If that’s the case, why not bring an assault rifle and just shoot the guy dead?

In baseball, do pitchers pull out Vaseline from their trunks, in full view of the camera, and lube the ball before throwing it? In UFC, does Ronda Rousey keep brass knuckles under the Octagon and fetch them in between rounds?

If my opponents were the Dudleys, logic says before the match I’d go under the ring and remove any tables. Or at least alert the ref about the possibility of those tables being there ahead of time. Better yet, what ref of a Dudleys match wouldn’t think to check under the ring first? My brain hurts thinking about it. (thanks to Rushdi Haque)

Trading Punches

When wrestlers trade punches, each one throws a punch and then… waits for the other person to punch back. And then he punches him again.

Wouldn’t it make more sense to punch your opponent repeatedly instead of waiting for him to hit you back first? It’s like he’s expecting to get punched, and somehow something would be wrong if he didn’t punch back.

Imagine Cena is punching Orton, and Orton doesn’t punch back. Does that ruin the rhythm? In wrestling, it looks more “normal” if the guys each take turns. Logic says that if a move is repeated in a certain pattern, the next guy’s move should be easy to predict. In chess, if you know what the guy is going to do next, you practically win the game. In MMA, if you know what your opponent is going to do, you can counter it and win immediately. In wrestling, you know a punch is coming, and you wait for it, expect it, and take it.

Revolving Door O’ Partners

Don’t you just love wrestling’s on-the-fly rules? Once, at TNA Bound for Glory, Ron Killings found out his tag team partner, and champion, Pacman Jones, was not allowed to wrestle. So he grabs some guy no one has ever heard of, Consequences Creed (now Xavier Woods of the New Day), to be his replacement.

Basically, the guy became an instant champion of the world in the supposed greatest wrestling promotion on Earth, for doing nothing. Now that’s a great gig.

So what exactly are the limits to this? Can Killings recruit anyone he wants and he’s an instant champion?? Doesn’t TNA have a hiring process, do background checks, reference checks, drug tests, and need the guy’s name and address so they can send him a paycheck? What if Killings brought in his grandma, or some wimp like Senator John Edwards, or a non-athlete like Rudy Giuliani? Are they allowed to be tag champs too, with no qualifications? What about Eric the Midget, or Beetlejuice, or Nancy Reagan? Why stop there? How about animals, like my toy poodle? And if animals are allowed, why not the king of the jungle like a lion or elephant? Are convicted murderers, rapists, and child predators allowed too?

Imagine the equivalent in football. “Hey coach, Colin Kaepernick can’t be the 49ers quarterback this week; can we replace him with Wayne Newton? We tried calling Carmen Electra but she was busy.” Leave it to TNA to do something so lame, but WWE is guilty of it too.

Our advice: befriend a tag team champion. If his partner gets injured, you just might be picked to replace him and become an instant world champion in the supposed hardest sport in the world.

“The Slap”

You know the routine. The bell rings, two guys do a staredown, one shoves the other, he shoves back, and then… SLAP. One slaps the other. His face turns to the side in utter amazement, and his head stays in the same position for several seconds as the crowd goes “Ooooooh,” as if now we’ve got ourselves a fight.

There’s also a scenario just like above, except the heel’s valet slaps the wrestler. The “Ooooooh” is now louder, because it’s a woman doing it.

When you see it once, it’s really an “Oooooooh” moment. When you see it every week, it’s like, big whoop. Now we’ve got ourselves a fight? Give me a break, it’s fake. There’s no fighting going on, and slaps aren’t shocking anymore, because everyone slaps everyone.

But still, the stupid f*cking crowd goes “Oooooh” like it’s a serious insult to slap someone.

How about someone slaps everyone in the crowd for being so stupid? How about someone slaps the agent who tells the wrestlers to include this stupid spot in their matches?

Upside Down We Go

Have you ever noticed in battle royals or Royal Rumbles that when someone knows he needs to be eliminated, he runs straight ahead toward a guy like an idiot, and then gets backdropped over the rope? Boom, easy elimination. Then he acts all upset like he doesn’t want to leave.

Uhh, dummy, if you wouldn’t race full speed ahead at a guy who’s standing in front of the ropes, maybe you wouldn’t be eliminated. You’d think after watching previous battle royals, people would learn not to do it. But they do.

I will never understand the appeal of battle royals. A bunch of guys standing around pretending to look occupied as they kill time. They’ll spend 5 minutes trying to push one guy over the ropes, then give up, walk around looking for someone (as someone walks past them, looking equally as clueless), tap them on the shoulder, and pretend to fight with them for another 5 minutes. Yawn. Yet when Lilian Garcia announces that a battle royal is on the show, people go nuts. What are they going nuts over exactly? Twenty men looking bored in the ring?

At least with the Rumble, there’s a storyline and the excitement of who comes in next. But battle royals are the worst.

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