It Makes No F’n Sense

“Hey look, there’s so-and-so, but now he’s called something else!”

It happens every month or so. A mid-card or upper mid card star gets fired by WWE, and then has 90 days to wait out his no-compete clause. Then he shows up in TNA (or 10 years ago, WCW) with a similar look, but some other stupid name.

For example, Golddust became Black Reign. Spike Dudley became Runt. Dudleys became now 3-D, Rikishi became Junior Fatu, Earthquake became The Shark, Big Bossman became The Boss, etc. Does whoever comes up with these names insist on spending less than 3 seconds thinking about them? Is there a contest to see who can be more uncreative than the other? If I want to see Rikishi, I’ll watch old WWE tapes. When you hire him and he has the same look but new stupid name, it makes the promotion look low-rent.

Why not just use the guy’s real name instead? Diesel became KEVIN NASH, and became a much, much bigger star. Razor Ramon made his name as SCOTT HALL. The rule of thumb is this: if you hire someone that the audience knows as another character, then don’t pretend to make him a cheap knock-off of that character.

Either give him a new character, or better yet, give him his real name and let him wrestle without a gimmick or costume. In 1980s WWF, they took territorial guys like DiBiase and Hennig and gave them new gimmicks, but most fans hadn’t seen them before (some did, but they were hardcore fans). But taking Eugene and making him U-Gene just reeks of 3rd rate imitations. Either be incredibly creative, or just let the guy wrestle sans gimmick. Don’t be somewhere in between, or else people won’t care.

Praise the Lord

There are few things as ridiculous as an MMA fighter praising the Lord after a fight, or thanking God for making the win possible.

Give me an f’n break. First of all, even if you’re deeply religious, you have to admit that God probably doesn’t give a crap who wins MMA fights. Second of all, if a guy is into God and loving everyone and everything, then why is he bashing someone’s head in with his fists and choking them unconscious? Do you really think that if there’s a God, He condones such behavior?

“Hey look at me, I worship Jesus. I love people. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to throw wicked elbows at a guy’s head and crush his skull, and then immediately after, praise God for making it all possible. Peace be with you.”

Fighting Friends

How is it possible for friends to fight each other? If a guy is my friend, and if I care about him, I’m not going to go into the octagon and attempt to knock him unconscious.

This reminds me of when Rashad Evans kicked Sean Salmon in the head, knocking him out cold in perhaps the most memorable knockout of 2007. Salmon was out for several minutes. In his post-fight interview, Evans said he hoped Salmon was ok and not injured. Well, then DON’T KICK HIM IN THE HEAD, ASSH*LE. If you don’t want to hurt a guy, DON’T F*CKIN’ FIGHT HIM.

If I’m being told I have to fight a friend, there are only two possibilities. #1, I refuse the fight. #2, I stop being the guy’s friend. If he’s really my friend, I don’t want him getting hurt, especially by my fists.

If your friend is getting his ass kicked, would you stand there like an idiot or would you go save him? Of course you’d save your friend. So if you don’t want him getting hurt, then why would you fight him?

Look, if you’re going to fight, then fight. Aim to go in there and hurt the guy as much as possible. Hate him. Hurt him. Do everything the rules allow. And most of all, don’t apologize for hurting him. It’s called a FIGHT. The sole purpose is to hurt each other. If you can’t accept that, then don’t be a fighter. And if you do, don’t fight your friends.

Security On Hand… When They Feel Like It

Don’t you just love it how security (usually some local indie guys with security shirts) comes and tries to interrupt certain wrestling angles, yet they are nowhere to be seen during other angles?

It’s like when a guy comes down the aisle to interfere, and security stops him. Yet later in the show, another guy will attack a wrestler, slice his forehead open, hit him with a bat or staple gun, and security is nowhere to be seen. Hey, you can inject staples into a guy’s forehead, but walk down the aisle and interfere? Not in this town, pal!

It’s good to know that in the world of wrestling, police and security are there to help you… whenever they feel like it.

Hit Me with Your Best Shot

You gotta love when a wrestler climbs the top rope to do a big splash, and his opponent is lying down but is not in the right position to be landed on. The opponent realizes this, and somehow maneuvers himself (wink wink, without anyone noticing) into a more convenient position to get splashed on. You know, he wouldn’t want to make the move any more difficult for his opponent, would he.

I’m sorry, but if you’re coherent enough to know that you’re not in the right position, then you’re coherent enough to MOVE OUT OF THE F’N WAY so he doesn’t splash you. It’s like when the guy does a flying body press, and his opponent just stands there and looks at him, and then gets hit. After all these years, wrestlers don’t know how stupid that looks. If you’re staring at a guy who is about to land on you, MOVE. If a train is coming at me, and I’m standing on the tracks, I don’t maneuver myself so that the train can hit me as much as possible. I move out of the f*ckin’ way.

Save That Moment for TV

Whenever a wrestler has something REALLY important to say to another wrestler, he always makes sure to do it in the ring, with a microphone.

So you’re telling me that in all this time, from the time he woke up in the morning, got ready, drove to the arena, got dressed up backstage, and prepared for his match, that he couldn’t track down this wrestler and tell him what he needed to say? He can’t just call him on his cell phone, email him, text him, or send him an instant message? Why does it HAVE to be in the ring, on Raw, in front of the camera?

When HHH interrupts Vince McMahon during a typical 20-minute Vince promo on Raw, why couldn’t HHH just find Vince backstage and tell him what he needed to tell him? Why not find out where his hotel room is, go there, knock on the door, and tell him? You’re telling me that all the wrestlers NEVER see each other except when they’re having a match or doing a promo? Is there some magical wall backstage that prevents wrestlers from seeing or talking to other wrestlers they need to talk to?

“Hey Batista, have you seen Vince? I need to talk to him?”

“Yeah Hunter, he’s over there. See him?”

“Oh ok. Well, I better not tell him now. I’ll wait until the show starts in 3 hours. That’s too bad, because I REALLY need to tell him that I’m the Game and that I’m going to take Randy Orton’s belt.”

“Just tell him now.”

“No, no, I can’t. It must be on TV and on Raw.”

Ok, dipsh*t, you do that.

Hit the Music – Part II

Why is it that whenever the winner of a match gets attacked, the guys in the truck cut his music off? Also, why is it that no matter who wins, the person who “laughs last” is the one who gets his/her music played? Wouldn’t it be a slap in the face of Ric Flair if he were to win a long and grueling match, and they cut his music off to play mine just because I ran down to the ring, gave him a wedgie, and ran back out with my hands raised high? (thanks to LeQuan)

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