Shelves, Bins Destroyed
NEW YORK, NY — The recently released financial advice book by wrestler JBL (Justin Bradshaw Layfield), Have More Money Now, has been beating up other financial books in retail bookstores around the country, Barnes & Noble representatives said Tuesday.
The violence began earlier this week, after JBL’s book fell far down the New York Times best-seller’s list.
“JBL’s book is on an absolute tear,” said Tyler Pennington of the Barnes & Noble store on Madison Ave.
“Out of nowhere, it jumped off the bookshelf and started pounding away on the other books. We’re talking broken spines, ripped pages, ink marks everywhere, hot coffee spills. I’ve never seen anything like this in all my 25 years of selling books.”
So far, Pennington said, JBL’s book has only attacked new arrivals.
“JBL’s book has no problem with the books that have been out for awhile now. But the new arrivals? It’s all out war. It’s the bully of all books. It’s like it wants to make the other books pay their dues, as silly as that sounds.”
Have More Money Now was released by WWE Books in 2004. WWE approached JBL with the book idea because he has closely followed the stock market after his finances took a tumble following his short-lived NFL career.
The book’s simple, yet logical, advice teaches young people how to save for their financial future.
According to one Barnes & Noble customer, she saw several JBL books stack on top of each other, move toward the “Hot New Arrivals” shelf, and knock it completely down.
“Books were flying everywhere,” said the customer, who asked not to be identified for fear of retribution from JBL. “It scared me out of my seat. The whole shelf made this sickening thud, and the JBL books together formed a whirlwind tornado and just blazed through the other books, shredding them instantly. It was like a real-life Tasmanian Devil.”
The cashier at the in-store Starbucks said he saw one JBL book carry a bucket of used toilet water from the bathroom and dump the contents on the unsuspecting Fiction section.
“I kid you not, the paperback version of JBL’s book carried this huge bucket of dung, and smeared it all over the new Harry Potter series,” said the cashier.
“These little kids started running away, crying and dry-heaving.”
Pennington called 911, and authorities were forced to use tear gas in order to calm JBL’s books down.
He then ordered all copies of the book be shipped back to the publisher, and demanded WWE issue a recall.
In an effort to explain the phenomenon, several wrestling fans who had been reading (but not paying for) WWE Raw magazine were pressed for comment.
“I heard, like, JBL is a bully in real life,” said 15-year-old Marcos Sanchez. “Maybe that means his books are bullies, too.”
Wrestler Lance Storm, who has had heated run-ins with JBL in the past, posted on his website that he isn’t surprised this happened. “You’ve got an author who clearly hates rookies,” Storm wrote.
“In this case, he targeted new arrivals of books which he felt hadn’t paid their dues in the publishing business. Everything JBL’s books did to the other books is stuff he has done and still does to other wrestlers who are new. Like author, like book.”
JBL, through WWE.com, issued a statement later in the afternoon. “I just want to say that I’m sorry that all this happened,” the statement read.
“That is, I’m sorry it all didn’t happen SOONER! Next, I will instruct my e-book to attack other e-books. That way, I can f*ck with all those teenagers on the inter-net (sic) who do nothing but flame each other with cuss words and yell ‘I’m hardcore, I’m hardcore!’ They just don’t understand that I, JBL, am a… publishing… GOD!”
WWE went on the record saying they regret the situation, but that JBL will not be punished for his actions. Neither, they said, will JBL’s books be punished. In fact, sources on the SmackDown production staff said they were given instructions by WWE owner Vince McMahon to produce several video packages promoting JBL and his book harder than ever.
“I guess fans will have to order it through Amazon.com,” said Pennington, “because my store surely won’t sell it anymore. But don’t be surprised if JBL’s books break through the package and start kicking the mailmen’s asses. The phrase ‘buyer beware’ has never rung more true.