“Life in the Fastlane” by LANNY POFFO

“Life in the Fastlane” by LANNY POFFO

Salutations, Armpit minions. It is I, “The Genius” Lanny Poffo, with another verbal soliloquy as I opine on the latest goings on in the world of professional wrestling.

Today I will deliver my astute thoughts on WWE’s upcoming “Fastlane” event, including the good, the bad, and the horrifyingly ugly. Please allow me to mentally masturbate to the myriad of storylines and matches leading into WWE’s annual pre-WrestleMania event, and I will do so in the only way I know how: with rhyme, reason, and rationality. Drum roll please…


 

wwe-fastlane

With WrestleMania approaching, the card is taking shape
So much excitement in the air, no one can escape
Feuds, angles, matches, and title changes galore
It can’t possibly be worse than WrestleMania 4
This year the matches are entirely predictable
The odds of who wins are anything but statistical

And that’s not a bad thing, as any good booker will tell you
Vince McMahon has a black belt in promotional jujitsu
And so here we have Fastlane, the appetizer to the main course
Goldberg will attempt to knock Kevin Owens off his high horse
WCW’s golden boy will most certainly win the championship
Leaving Owens to wallow in his Festival of Friendship

Because of his actions, Goldberg tops the “List of K.O.”
A man whose prime time was almost 20 years ago
Chris Jericho is to blame for this main event match-up
And for that he took a beating and is still playing catch-up
Owens betrayed his best friend, a modern day Benedict Arnold
At this point Jericho’s only hope is to enlist help from The Donald

roman-reigns-braun-strowman

And then we have Roman Reigns, so handsome and strong
His sights set on a savage beast with a first name of Braun
This one won’t be pretty, unless Roman can carry him
Both guys are booked as if Pat Patterson wants to marry ‘em
Their pushes will continue, even if fans object
Much like the time ECW pushed Mikey Whipwreck

On the women’s side we’ve got Charlotte vs Bayley
It’s a match that feels like we’ve seen it almost daily
What good will it do to beat the champ so soon?
I say keep the title on Bayley and push her to the moon
Little girls love her, and guys of all age want to lay her
But if you think she’s gonna win, you’re livin’ on a prayer

Which brings us to Neville, all chiseled and muscular
For Gallagher to win, he must headbutt his jugular
It won’t be easy, as Neville’s on a roll
He’s rising to the top, like Judy Bagwell on a pole
It’ll take more than an umbrella to unseat the feisty Brit
Perhaps Jack should pull an Andre the Giant: sit on him and shit

One thing’s for sure, these two are a major styles clash
One likes to chain wrestle, the other likes to splash
I do, however, hope we see a Mary Poppins off the top rope
Last time he did that, the fans all thought it was dope
Don’t be fooled, Gallagher can kick lots of asses
But he’s so damn pale, I need to watch him with sunglasses

gallows-anderson-enzo-cass

Last but not least, there’s Anderson and Gallows
It’s not hard to forget, since their personalities are so shallow
The question remains is if they can carry Enzo and Cass
Flair had an easier time carrying Dusty’s big fat ass
The best part of the match will be the promos before the bell rings
Soon enough, it’ll be over before Nia Jax sings

Enzo can’t wrestle, he should just be a manager
The wrestling ring isn’t meant for guys of his caliber
As for Big Cass, he’ll always get a push
And at the end of the day, he gets Carmella’s bush
Size does matter, it must be nice to be that tall
When he sits down to dump, his head’s above the stall

So there you have it, Fastlane in a nutshell
Storylines aimed at people dumber than a doorbell
And again, I say, that’s how booking should be
Designed for wrestling fans with an IQ of 3
And trust me on this, the writing staff isn’t very smart
If it weren’t for Vince, they’d be working at Wal-mart

All in all, things could be worse, but they could also be better
My dog could book matches that’d make Stephanie’s panties wetter
But I’ll reserve my judgment until the show is finally over
It’s not like anybody’s expecting NXT Takeover
Doesn’t matter anyway, it’s all about WrestleMania
Until then I’ll keep wishing Sasha Banks had nymphomania

Disclaimer: Lanny Poffo didn’t really write this. The Armpit did. But we know it’s what Lanny would say.

Opt In Image
Join the ARMPIT ARMY
Sign up and get a FREE sample of our wrestling quiz e-book!

Never miss a single story.  Exclusive commentary, news updates, and the latest happenings at The Armpit.

Related Stories