Grown Adults Lose All Self Control
SAN JOSE, CA — In a scene so ugly that it took dozens of concerned husbands to come out and help, several mothers of mixed martial arts (MMA) students got into a violent physical confrontation with several mothers of soccer players.
Paramedics were called to the scene within minutes, but not before the MMA moms had dished out a vicious beating on the soccer moms, including lots of ground and pound, triangle chokes, and brutal kicks to the head.
Despite being outnumbered by a 2-to-1 margin, the MMA moms more than held their own. In fact, they cleaned out the place decisively.
“The soccer field is located next door to the MMA warehouse,” said Officer Glen Petersen with the San Jose Police Department.
“All the moms usually hang outside when practice ends. It’s usually pretty peaceful, but something set one of the MMA moms off, and before long, all Hell broke loose.”
“Come here, you little bitch!!” said Mrs. Sublett, who is well known in the community for baking cookies for her son’s 2nd grade class.
“Push me again and I’ll snap off your bra and choke you with it, you whore! I’ll kill all you mothers!”
The outburst shocked her husband, Brian.
“This is outrageous,” he said, holding back his wife. “She’s the nicest lady in class, and the next thing you know she’s got Mrs. Belanin in a rear naked choke. All these ladies lost control, and it was total mayhem.”
8-year-old Jason Potter, who trains BJJ two nights a week after school, was also shocked.
“Mommy teaches me to be nice and respectful to others,” he said, his voice cracking. “In return, I show her some moves I learned in class. But I never thought she’d use them on other people, especially the moms of the soccer kids.”
The soccer moms, who don’t have any martial arts training, were still recovering from injuries as the night ended.
“I don’t know what got into the other mothers tonight,” said Mrs. Tallman, who often carpooled with some of the MMA moms at the local elementary school.
“We know those women, we talk together about our kids all the time. But something just set them off, and we were fighting for our lives. We tried doing some of those soccer kick thingy’s we see our kids do, but the others moms grabbed our legs and got us in a single leg takedown. My son is a goalie; he never taught me how to pass guard and protect against ground and pound.”
Mrs. Hill, who many believed started the fracas and led the charge with the other MMA moms, defended her actions.
“Those prissy little mommies with their cupcakes and soda pops,” she said angrily. “They make me sick with their minivans and Gatorade. They bring their cameras and think their kids are the greatest kids ever. Well I’ve got news for them: they’re not! My son has sick BJJ skills, and that will get him much farther in life than running up and down a field, bouncing balls off their heads.”
Officer Petersen had talked to the MMA and soccer coaches about switching the nights they hold practice, to avoid the moms coming in contact with each other.
“We could do it on Wednesdays instead of Tuesdays,” said soccer coach Randy Halverson. “That way the karate moms won’t get their panties in a bunch and start pickin’ fights.”
At this point, coach Roberto (pronounced “Hoberto”) Gracie from the MMA class overheard what coach Halverson said and took umbrage with the remark.
“What do you mean, ‘karate’?” said Gracie. “We train in MIXED MARTIAL ARTS, not ‘karate.’ But what would you know about it anyway?”
“I know enough to know that your students have some moms on PMS, that’s what, Now mind your own business,” shot back coach Halverson.
With that retort, coach Gracie took Halverson down and got him in a kimura. The soccer referees came to break it up, but not before they heard a snap. Halverson’s arm was diagnosed as broken at press time, much to the joy of the MMA moms.
“Let’s see him coach a goalie now, with his arm in a sling. Serves him right, f*ckin’ pansy,” said Mrs. Hill.
Test results will be available next week to determine whether or not the MMA mothers were using performance enhancing drugs.