Mock My Brain Interview: HHH

Mock My Brain Interview: HHH

WWE Superstar

HHH hates the internet, and rarely grants interviews to websites. Except this one.

We give Trips a hard time, but we give him props for agreeing to do this interview with us. He’s got balls, and when we insinuated his wife has balls too, he didn’t get offended.

Sit back and enjoy this candid, one on one interview with the Game.

Disclaimer: This is a mock interview. HHH didn’t really answer these questions. The Armpit did. But we know it’s what HHH would say.

1. Thanks for sitting down with us today, Hunter. In return for doing our interview, we offer our guests to list all their plugs. Go ahead and do that now, please.

Watch me on Raw Mondays from 9 to 11pm. Also, you can order WWE’s monthly pay-per-views which I currently headline and will continue to headline for the foreseeable future.

2. We might as well start with the most obvious question first. You’ve been criticized for 5 years now that you hold down all the upcoming talent, stubbornly hog the top spot in WWE, never put anyone over, and married Stephanie McMahon just so you could take over the company. How would you respond to those accusations?

If you want to start with the obvious question, then I will give you the obvious answer. Look, I like me. No wait… I LOVE me. Me me me. To ensure that I’ll always be on top, and to ensure that my legacy will surpass those of Flair, Hogan, etc., I had to take matters into my own hands.

Vince McMahon is the final remnant of an age-old wrestling industry, and he’s the lone survivor. With Vince now getting up there in years, his children are being groomed to eventually take over. So bingo, I put 2 and 2 together. If I marry into the McMahon family, then presto, I control my own destiny. And that is why you see HHH as the focal point of WWE. That is why you hear it repeated over and over that I am the greatest ever. That is why I use my influence to squash each and every newcomer to make sure my top spot isn’t taken.

Granted, it does involve some give and take. I made Batista a star by putting him over, but that was only because so I could use that as an excuse to then go a work a program with John Cena and have him do the job for me. Ka-ching, that guarantees me:

1) another title reign,
2) at least three additional PPV main events,
3) continued focus of Raw,
4) more money, and
5) another chance to thwart another up-and-comer who deserves to get elevated to main event status.

3. In 1997, when you were working your way up the cards, you were much skinnier than you are now. You were still well built and all, but far less muscular. How did you suddenly improve your physique so much in such a short period of time?

I know what you’re getting at, and I don’t appreciate it. Why is it so hard to believe that I was able to achieve my results naturally? Until you’re in the gym two hours a day, seven days a week, don’t tell me about bodybuilding.

The simple fact is that I upped my protein intake, ate more, and lifted more. Hard work pays off. I don’t need to take steroids or growth hormone, because that’s what cheaters do, and I’m not a cheater. Fair is square. Even Steven. Right down the middle. Fifty fifty. May the best man win.

4. Congratulations on getting to work with one of your idols, and perhaps the greatest wrestler ever, Ric Flair. In 20 years, how do you think people will look back on your legacy, compared with Flair’s?

Ric Flair laid down for Hulk Hogan, Horace Hogan, Linda Hogan, Nick Hogan, and eventually, Brooke Hogan. The guy jobbed to everyone who had a pulse. I, however, do not.

Flair is a 16-time champ, which is impressive. But he got 7 of those titles before the age of 40. I’m not 40 yet, and I’ve got a lot more than 7 reigns under my belt. Plus, I run this stinking company, so I’ll hold the belt as many times as I want. People say I need to get to 17 to beat Flair, but trust me, I plan on getting a lot more than 17. 17 by age 40, and I’ll probably triple that by 50. By age 60, I could very well have 100 title reigns, and by age 70, who knows? You might see me in the 4 digits.

5. You’re a big star, and no one denies your wrestling ability, promo ability, or main event psychology. Still, you owe much of your career to having such top stars like Mick Foley and the Rock put you over. Will you return the favor someday, putting over new stars?

(Editor’s note: At this point, HHH remained stone-faced and didn’t say a word. He then gave the reporter a mean look, and his left nostril began to flare.)

6. Please, briefly explain how and why you squashed the following wrestlers and drastically harmed their careers:

Jeff Hardy: When he was in a tag team, I didn’t care. He wasn’t a singles guy back then, so I couldn’t care less how over he got. But when he became a singles wrestler, he became a threat to me. So I took care of it. Just as he was rising to the top, I squashed him on live television. His career never recovered, and mine has taken off.

RVD: RVD started to hit it big right when I had torn my quad in 2001 and was out of action for several months. In my absence, which is no coincidence, RVD’s star began to really rise. At first I thought, “Hey great, I’ll work a program with him.” So I told Stephanie to tease a storyline that she and RVD would begin to slowly flirt. And that’s what happened. But then RVD started to get over so well that I…. changed my mind. The flirting came to an end, and so did RVD’s career. I squashed him on TV and that was the end of that.

Maven: Here’s a punk who never paid his dues, and got a job by entering some stupid show called Tough Enough. Whereas I busted my ass for years and lived off table scraps, this assh*le got to train in a mansion and bang hot chicks. He’s a damn good promo, which meant he might have been able to get over. And he would’ve, had I not stopped him short.

Eugene: The guy paid his dues, but he got over huge and became buddies with the Rock. I hate Rock. And therefore I hate Eugene. And I bury people I hate.

Kurt Angle: Some say that when I bungled the Angle/Stephanie/HHH love triangle angle, WWE started going downhill. And they’re right, but wait until they see what I have up my sleeve for 2006. Kurt’s a real athlete and stuff, so I buried him on Raw, then switched him to SmackDown and let him shine there where he wouldn’t be a threat. Now he’s all banged up and back on Raw, and trust me, when the time is right, I’ll finish him off for good. I’ve got a Gold medal in the Olympics of politics, Kurt. It’s your career I’m after.

Randy Orton: Randy’s a young kid who can be a star someday. Perhaps when I retire in 40 years, I can pass the torch to him.

Hurricane & Rosey: Oh yeah, this was real funny. Rosey can kick my ass in real life, but in the phony world of pro wrestling, he’s easy fodder for me. So I booked a match with myself against the two of them, who happened to be tag team champs at the time. And I won. See? That proved that I alone was bigger and better than the tag team champions combined. Sometimes I amaze myself with my own brilliance.

Christian: When he came to WWE, he had a world of potential. But by God, look at what I’ve done to him. I arranged to have WWE make him cut his hair, so now he looks like an average schmuck. That’s strike one. Then I made him change his cool ring attire into something lame like he has now. Strike two. Thirdly, in case you haven’t noticed, I’ve booked him to lose pretty much every match he wrestled on Raw. He’s also losing every match on SmackDown since he switched. And yet, he’s so talented that he still gets over. I’ll put a stop to that. My complete burial of Christian is perhaps my greatest triumph at all. He could’ve been so damn huge, and now he’s absolutely no threat at all.

Chris Jericho: Boy, when this guy joined WWE, he was red hot. Crowd cheered him like crazy, and that promo with Rock on his Raw debut is legendary. I had it out for him since day one. I threw him a bone and gave him the undisputed title when it was formed, but ever since then, it has been Mid-card Mania for that jabroni. Now he’s got some band and tries to act like he’s happy with his life, when I know it eats him inside that he could’ve been huge had I not stopped him dead in his tracks.

Taz: Haha, when ECW was on a roll, I took their champ and pinned him clean on television. ECW died shortly thereafter. I swear, I have more power than I know what to do with. This is fun, who do you got next?

Chris Benoit: Oh Chris is a real joy. Super worker, so I keep him strong because I know I’ll always get a great match out of him and he won’t bitch and complain. He never whines about doing jobs, so he’s got a lifetime job with WWE as far as I’m concerned. I did pin him clean during his first week when he and the Radicalz jumped to WWE in 1999. Imagine that, the WCW champ comes to WWE, which is a dream angle just handed to us by WCW. Rather than building it up and making millions off it, I made him job to me right in the middle of the ring. Ahhh, they don’t come smarter than me, do they?

7. You previously dated Joanie Laurer, formerly known as Chyna. Please tell us what you saw in her, and what a typical night of passion was for you two.

Chyna was very manly, and frankly, that’s what I loved about her. I might as well use this forum to come out of the closet and admit I’m a full-blown bisexual. I don’t love guys per se, but I don’t love women either. I like human beings that are half and half. Thus, my last two loves have been Stephanie McMahon and Chyna. They’re woman enough to satisfy my sexual urges, and manly enough to give me what I want. The combination of the two just sends me over the top. Those women in the bodybuilding magazines are my fantasy, because they look, sound, and act like men. It turns me on; turns me on big.

8. Which do you prefer:

Raw or SmackDown: Whichever show I’m on. Actually, I don’t give a rat’s ass about Raw except for the segments I’m on. And since I’m on every segment, well, then I guess I prefer Raw. Yeah, that’s my answer. Raw.

Fozzy or the Fabulous Freebirds: Both contain lead singers that are my little bitches. Jericho’s my bitch in the ring, and Michael Hayes is my bitch on the writing team. But Jericho is still in his prime and theoretically represents a threat to my spot. So I’ll go with Hayes and the Freebirds.

Stephanie or Chyna: Asya. Remember her? She was this huge woman in WCW with a physique that even put mine to shame. Now SHE was hot. Chyna was hotter than Stephanie back in the day when she was manly, but ever since the Playboy shoot she got more feminine. Stephanie has far surpassed her in masculinity, and that’s why I married her. So to answer your question: Stephanie.

ECW or WCW: ECW. Both sucked, but WCW never pushed me when I worked there, so I’m bitter. ECW never hired me, so I’m not as bitter with them. That’s why I allowed an ECW PPV and not a WCW PPV.

The 4 Horsemen or nWo: Had a lot of good friends in the nWo, but Ric Flair is my dream man. Horesmen all the way baby. But for the record, DX smoked them both.

Sideburns or mutton chops: Varies by the month. Right now it’s chops, but depending on what Lemmy and Ole Anderson are wearing, it depends.

Hell in a Cell or Elimination Chamber: The Cell. Fewer people to hog my spotlight. Plus, it’s where Mick Foley originally put me over strong, so it’s got a special place in my heart.

Terra Rizin or Jean Paul Levesque: Both are near and dear to me, but as Levesque, I got to play a rich snob. Since I’m a rich snob in real life, I liked that gimmick much better.

Steroids or human growth hormone: Both, when used together. Oh wait, we’re on the record aren’t we. Umm, neither. I rely on protein, baby!

Tricep tears or quad tears: Both are a pain in the ass, because it allows others to get over while I’m gone. I’ll go with tricep tears, because at least with those I can still perform anal sex and it doesn’t hurt.

9. You’re a known opponent of ECW. You think it’s all mindless brawling, barbed wire, and garbage can shots. You prefer the classic style of Harley Race and Dory Funk. However, you often utilize a sledgehammer, baseball bats covered in barbed wire, chairs, steel cages, and copious amounts of blood. Isn’t that a little hypocritical?

It is until you realize that I hate ECW because their fans are smart enough to see through my bullsh*t and realize that I bury everyone in WWE. WWE wrestlers are smart enough to see it too, but they don’t say anything because they know they’ll get fired. We can’t fire ECW fans, so they can say what they want. And I don’t like people who can say what they want, because they usually badmouth me.

10. Everyone knows Harley Race is your childhood hero. What it is about Race that attracted you to him so much?

A. His gigantic beer belly Hey, these were the days before ‘roids.
B. His unruly sideburns and facial hair Yeah, that was a big part of it.
C. His ability to outdrink anyone Nah. I wish it were easier to get him drunk, because then I could dress him up in make-up and take advantage of him.
D. His ability to kick everyone’s ass Mostly it was all bullsh*t. I mean really, a guy who punches that slow is gonna win bar fights??
E. His ability to crash boats How embarrassing.
F. His wicked chili, and the stomach gas that follows Yeah, me and Chyna used to have farting contests after eating at Harley’s house. She’d always win. And then we’d go have sex. I miss those days.
G. His hoarse voice Only when it was screaming my name.
H. His fading tattoos Yeah, that was manly.
I. That time he went to punch Randy Orton, missed by a mile, and blew the whole angle by screwing up Screwing up a guy’s push = okay with me
J. His ultra-slow suplexes Yeah, I like it slow. Gives me a chance to rest and catch my breath.
K. The fact that he privately thought you were nuts for dating Chyna, and never told you to your face If I hated people who thought that, I’d hate pretty much everyone walking this planet. And I guess I do.

11. You participated in a very controversial angle in which you had sex with a corpse named Katie Vick. Regarding said sex, would you rank it:

A. Better than it is with Stephanie
B. Better than it was with Chyna
C. Better than it is with yourself
D. No difference
E. You’re too busy thinking about what wrestler you’ll bury next to be thinking about something insignificant like “sex”

Better than Stephanie, not as good as with Chyna, not as good as with myself, and yes, I am too busy worrying about how to bury John Cena to think about intercourse.

12. If you and Stephanie have children someday, who exactly would be the mother?

Well she’s half-man, which makes her half-woman as well. I’m bisexual, which technically makes me half-woman too. So I guess if you put the two of us together, we make one great mom.

13. Let’s play “F*ck, Marry, Kill.” We’ll give you three names, and you have to f*ck one of them, marry one of them, and kill one of them. Here are the names.

Harley Race, 7-time NWA champion: F*ck AND marry. Stephanie who?
Lemmy Kilmeister, lead singer of your favorite band, Motorhead: Ditto.
Chyna, your ex-girlfriend: F*ck and then kill. Unless her dad owns WWE, in which case I’d marry her. Hey, polygamy is legal, right?

14. In 1996, you and the Kliq did the famous “curtain call” at Madison Square Garden. Since the others were never punished for this, you took the brunt of the blame. However, you made up for it a million-fold. What are the former members of the Kliq up to these days?

Shawn Michaels: Turning heel and receding his hairline.
Sean Waltman: Turning face and going bald.
Scott Hall: Drinking.
Kevin Nash: Making money for doing nothing, just like he has these past 11 years.

And for the record, I’d f*ck and marry all four of them.

15. Yes or No, has HHH ever:

Arm-wrestled Chyna, and lost: Yes. But in my defense, it was before I had really begun to take steroids. Oops, I mean, it was before I had really begun to increase my protein intake.

Arm-wrestled Stephanie, and lost: After the protein thing, so yes I arm-wrestled her, and I won.

Arm-wrestled yourself: I do many things to myself, and most of them involve arms (and gerbils).

Thrown darts at pictures of wrestlers you want to bury: Nah, I prefer to do my burying in the ring and behind their backs in boardroom meetings.

Exchanged notes with Undertaker on how to hold down talent: Yeah, but we’re pretty different in our approaches. At least I’ll sell for the guy before jobbing him. He won’t even do that.

Wanted to kill Eric Bischoff for not pushing you more in WCW: At one time, yes. And I wanted to f*ck and marry him, too. If he ever takes over the wrestling world again, I just might.

Wanted to compete in the cruiserweight division: Before protein = yes. After = no.

Taken a steroid test: In WWE? Yes. I failed. We all did. Vince insisted we fail or else he’d fire us.

Realized that maybe your muscles would stop tearing if you stopped shoving a damn needle up your ass: You win some, you lose some. It’s worth it in the end.

Obsessed over movie reviews of your performance in Blade: Trinity: That’s like asking if I’ve ever obsessed over reviews of my wrestling matches. So the answer is Yes, of course I have.

Admitted your jealousy over the Rock’s successful movie career: Only behind his back. That’s how I do most of my trash talking (and sexual acts): behind people’s backs.

Flexed in the mirror and gotten sexually aroused: Who hasn’t?

Once aroused, looked at Chyna, and then lost your erection: Yes, when she posed for Playboy. Like I said, she was a real hottie before she started to look feminine.

Heard Stephanie McMahon’s voice on the phone and thought it was a man: Thought and hoped, yes. And when I found out it wasn’t, I was let down.

Heard Linda McMahon’s voice on the phone and thought it was a robotic recording: I don’t speak to Linda. I don’t like her, because if it wasn’t for her, I’d be able to go and marry Vince McMahon himself. Then I’d truly rule WWE.

Smoked pot with RVD: Pot is not my drug of choice. I think you know what my drug of choice is.

Sucked your own c*ck: I’ve tried, but having so much muscle mass makes it difficult to bend over so far. Plus, my balls are the size of chickpeas.

Taken a golden shower: Yeah. I’ve got lots of experience with urine and urine bottles in general. How do you think I pass those steroid tests?

Pranced around your house playing air guitar, pretending you’re in Motorhead: Yeah, usually naked. That’s one videotape I hope never gets released.

16. If Stephanie McMahon looked like Linda McMahon, but she was still Vince’s daughter, would you have still married her?

Hell, I’d have married Abdullah the Butcher if he was Vince’s daughter.

17. You claim to be the greatest wrestler ever, and you seem to believe it. You also insist other wrestlers call you the greatest ever. Realistically and honestly, how do you think you compare to the following wrestlers, each of whom can lay legitimate claim to being the best ever:

Ric Flair: Why don’t you ask Ric Flair who the greatest of all-time is? Thank you.
Kenta Kobashi: Who?
Lou Thesz: In a real fight, yes. In the ring, he’s no match for the Game.
Chris Benoit: Let’s see, he’s got how many WWE title reigns? One?? Next question.
Kurt Angle: Thank goodness his neck is broken or else he might really have surpassed me. Well, no he wouldn’t have.
Mitsuharu Misawa: Huh?
Toshiaki Kawada: Que?
Tiger Mask Satoru Sayama: Sayama?? Say what??
Terry Funk: He’s forever hardcore, and he’ll be forever broke.
Harley Race: He’s the man, but as much as I love him, I love myself more.
Shawn Michaels: He cares more about God than wrestling. Doesn’t he know that I’M God??

18. Since you no longer play the role of a spoiled rich snob, and since your gimmick is no longer of being a Hunter, Hearst, or Helmsley, why do you still call yourself Triple H?

Easy to spell. Plus, it stands for Homo Homo Homo.

19. Paul Heyman said at the ECW One Night Stand PPV that the only reason JBL was champ for a year was that you don’t like working Tuesdays. So what’s the real reason he was champ for a year?

I don’t like working Tuesdays.

20. Finally, please use this last question to tell your fans any last words and what to expect from you over the years ahead. Thank you for your time.

Yeah, expect to see me headline for another three decades, at least. Just get used to it. Accept it as given. The Game will never be over. No wait, not “over” in the sense that I’m not over with the fans. Because I am. Over in the sense that I’ll always be on top. No wait, not “on top” in the sense that I like it missionary, because I don’t. On top in the sense that I’ll always be #1. No wait…

Trips, we’ve gotta go. I’m sorry…

Not “#1” in the sense that I’m urine, because I’m much more than that. No wait, not to imply that I’m feces either…

I’m very sorry Hunter, we’re really out of time…

Did you expect anything less? Thanks a lot to HHH for his time

Disclaimer: This is a mock interview. HHH didn’t really answer these questions. The Armpit did. But we know it’s what HHH would say.


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