CHARLOTTE, NC — World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) superstar Ric Flair announced today he would be going under the knife and getting breast implants. As part of the agreement, the surgery will be financed by WWE, which considers the surgery, “Cosmetic, but job-related,” said a company spokesperson.
Flair, who just turned 56, has long been accused by younger fans of having a somewhat bouncy upper body. Age, decades of bumps in the ring, and lack of major steroid abuse have all contributed to Flair’s less-than-impressive pectoral muscles in his elder years.
“I decided, what the Hell,” said Flair, speaking from his cell phone. “People keep saying I have manboobs, and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t get to me a little. So why not just go with it? Why not just go with the flow, and make the most of what God gave me?”
Flair, who received a facelift in 1998 while with World Championship Wrestling (WCW), will be evaluated by doctors next week for how the surgery will affect his body.
“It’s the right thing to do,” remarked WWE’s head of Creative, Stephanie McMahon. “With Flair’s implants, we can now have him compete in the women’s division. We can make him a WWE Diva. We can do photo shoots, bikini layouts, swimsuit calendars, and the door is even open for a Playboy spread. He’s got the tan and he’s got the hair. He just needed breasts, and now he’ll have them.”
Flair seemed rejuvenated at the prospect of having new mammary glands. In WCW, he would “Wear clothes to hide my manboobs. But now, I can not only go topless, but my manboobs will also be accentuated and help, rather than hurt, my career. I can’t think of a better way to jumpstart my career. Trish Stratus, Molly Holly, Christy Hemme, Lita… I’ve always wanted to wrestle and job for them all. And now, I can.”
Stephanie, who came up with the idea, described how breast implants helped her own career in WWE. “Had I not gotten implants, I might not have a job today. Sure, I earned my spot on talent alone, but it was my new boobs that got me noticed by upper management. Before, my breasts were melted packets of butter. Now, they’re long-range missiles ready to aim and fire. HHH (her husband) often jokes that I should join the military and drown the enemy with my gallons of breast milk. He’s so crazy!”
Breast surgery on males is not new to WWE. In 1999, the Rock went under the knife to cure his gynecomastia, otherwise known as male breast enlargement. Termed “bitch tit syndrome” in bodybuilding circles, it is often the result of heavy steroid usage among athletes.
“Rock’s a pussy for having (the surgery) done, let me tell you that,” screamed Flair. “Life gave me lemons, and I’m going to make lemonade. Why fight it? Rock should’ve openly accepted his breasts and, in fact, should’ve made them even larger. He’s going around playing a gay character in (the movie) Be Cool, so I don’t see how this is any different.”
HHH, who idolized Flair as a youngster, shared their enthusiasm. “I named us Evolution for a reason. Randy Orton would evolve into me, and I would evolve into Flair. And now, Flair is evolving into a woman. As anyone who studies this business knows, that’s the next logical step. When I’m in my 50s, sure, I can see myself getting implants as well. Part of me has always wanted to compete in the women’s division anyway.”
As part of his entry into the women’s division, Flair will now be trained by WWE road agent David “Fit” Finlay. Finlay has worked with all the other WWE Divas, and is largely credited with the rapid improvement in the women’s matches.
“I’ll whip him into shape, real quick,” gnarled Finlay. “I’m from England, and we know how to treat a lady. But Flair’s no lady. Just because he’s a 16-time world champion legend doesn’t mean I’ll give him any special privileges. He’s going to get whipped into shape just like all the other Divas. When he walks through that door (points to gym door), he’s mine, and he’s a Diva. The girls are not going to show any mercy on him.”
Flair’s family was not available for comment. David, Flair’s son, was last seen leaving the North Carolina state courthouse, attempting to permanently change his name and get himself disowned from his family. Megan, Flair’s daughter, was seen walking around town with a paper bag over her head. And Beth, Flair’s wife, was last seen fighting with TNA superstars Trinity and Traci Brooks over the right to sleep with Flair’s 1980s arch nemesis, Dusty Rhodes.