Woman Finds it in Bowl of Chili
SAN JOSE, CA — Police in San Jose, CA reported today that they have found the smile of wrestler Shawn Michaels, who lost it 8 years ago under the employ of the World Wrestling Federation (WWF), now called World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE).
In a strange twist, police found the smile while investigating a totally unrelated case in San Jose, CA. Anna Ayala claimed earlier this year to have found a human finger in a bowl of chili she ordered at the Wendy’s restaurant food chain.
Police say Ayala’s claim is a hoax, pointing to previous lawsuits she has filed against other businesses.
Investigators have been unable to pinpoint where the finger came from, but in the middle of their search, they stumbled upon Shawn Michaels’ smile.
“We were at the Wendy’s location in San Jose,” said Sgt. Hammond of the San Jose Police Department.
“We were speaking to the store manager there, and during the conversation, a patron began choking on something that was in her chili.”
The patron, who asked not to be identified, began choking to death immediately.
Hammond, trained in life-saving techniques, performed the Heimlich maneuver on the patron.
Within seconds, the obstruction flew out of her mouth and landed on her husband’s French fries.
Bystanders were alarmed when the object turned out to be a pair of arched lips, in the shape of a smile.
A few area wrestling fans recognized the smile as belonging to WWE legend Shawn Michaels.
“As soon as I saw the smile, it took me half a second to recognize it was Shawn’s,” said Wendy’s patron Sam Nord, who has been a Bay Area wrestling fan for over two decades.
“Shawn and his fans have been looking for the smile for 8 years. To be here and to have witnessed its discovery is pretty incredible. It’s like this huge weight has been lifted from our shoulders.”
On a wrestling broadcast called Thursday Raw Thursday in 1997, Michaels told the television audience that he had “lost” his smile and was forfeiting his WWF world championship.
At the time, Michaels claimed he was being nagged by several lingering injuries.
Skeptical observers, however, maintain that Michaels simply did not want to lose his title to another wrestler on television (termed “Do the job” in wrestling circles).
The smile was returned to Michaels the following morning via FedEx overnight shipment.
“I can’t believe it!” exclaimed Michaels, via telephone.
“I sincerely want to thank everyone involved with the investigation. This proves that I really did lose my smile, and that it wasn’t some conjured up scheme to not do the job and lose my title. I thank God, I thank my wife, and I thank the wrestling fans for returning my smile to me.”
Even though he has had the smile back for only a few hours, Michaels’ family has noticed a real difference in his attitude.
“He’s like a new man,” said Michaels’ wife.
“For nearly ten years, we’ve tried to make him laugh, tried to make him happy. Nothing. He just wasn’t able to curve his lips in the direction of a smile. We even tried to manually move his lips physically, and they wouldn’t budge.
But now, he’s turned that frown completely upside down. He hasn’t stopped smiling since FedEx knocked on our door with his smile in hand!”
The Wendy’s patron said she will not file legal action against the restaurant. “Had it been a finger, a penis, or an eyeball that I choked on, then yeah, I would’ve sued. But I choked on Shawn Michaels’ smile, and something good came from this,” she said.
Plus, she was a fan of Shawn Michaels back in the day.
“I’d be lying if I said my loins didn’t tingle for Shawn Michaels when I was a little girl,” she revealed.
“I wasn’t a wrestling fan, but I loved Shawn. Now he’s 40, his hair is thinning, he’s flabby, and his mannerisms are so gay.
But back then, my God, I had his posters all over my walls. I would dance around the house in my underwear to his Sweet Chin Music.”
Sgt. Hammond says he hopes other unusual items can be found as a result of his investigation into the missing finger.
“There are lots of missing items out there, and I hope this smile is just the beginning. The real killer of OJ’s ex-wife, Vince McMahon’s brain, Stephanie McMahon’s feminine side, Hulk Hogan’s hair, Rena Mero’s youth, Missy Hyatt’s virginity, Joel Gertner, Tom Zenk… all of these things have been missing for years, and we hope to find some or all of them.”