DETROIT, MI — Professional wrestlers Rick and Scott Steiner have declared their candidacy for the 2008 United States Presidential election.
The ticket has Scott running as President, with brother Rick as Vice President. They’re running as Independents, and have challenged voters to, “Vote for us, or bite us.”
“We have a message for Hillary Clinton and Rudy Giuliani,” said Rick Steiner at today’s press conference, referring to the two frontrunners for the Democratic and Republican parties, respectively. “If you want some, come get some. If you don’t like me, bite me.”
Though brothers Scott and Rick have no prior political experience, experts believe they will impact the election by attracting millions of wrestling fans, most of whom have never registered to vote.
If history is any indication, professional wrestlers and politics have intertwined far more than most people think. As recently as 1998, former pro wrestler Jesse Ventura won the Minnesota Governor’s election, shocking the world.
“I know Scotty and Ricky very well,” said Ventura from his Minnesota home.
“I worked with them in WCW, and people think they’re just a couple of dummies. Of course, they thought the same thing about me too. And who won that election? The Body did, that’s who. Win if you can, lose if you must, but always cheat.”
Scott, who said he is prepared to discuss any political issue, fielded questions from reporters at the press conference similar to the types of questions he’ll be asked when he is expected to debate Clinton and Giuliani next year.
On abortion rights, Scott said, “Abortionnnnnn, you know here’s how I see it. All those girls better step aside, because if there are babies out there, odds are that I’m their big bad booty daddy.”
On immigration, Scott was more clear: “All those Mexicans, flying around the ring in their masks, flippin’ around like some sort of jumping bean, let me tell you something. Step aside, jerk that curtain, and make way for the real main eventer, Scott Steiner. Ain’t nothin’ finer. Sure, let ’em come to America, because when it’s showtime, they’re all gonna lay down for the genetic freak.”
On civil rights issues, such as disability coverage, Scott said: “To all those deaf people out there, holla if ya hear me. I got your hook-up.”
For the mentally retarded, Scott referred to Alex, the imaginary friend of brother Rick, who was drawn on Rick’s hand. Wrestling fans may remember Alex from Rick’s Varsity Club days in the NWA.
On animal rights issues, such as ethical treatment of animals, Scott again referred to his brother Rick, who said: “Welcome to the dog pound.” Rick then started running around in circles, barking, “Woof woof woof woof.”
If Rick were to be elected as Vice President, he would assume the role of President should brother Scott be unable to perform his job.
When asked how he would handle the situations in Iraq, Iran, and Pakistan, Scott simply flexed his biceps, pointed to them with his chin, and proclaimed, “Look at these guns, boys. These are my bombs, and if anyone gives me any trouble, I’ll snap ’em in half. Rick will Steinerline anyone who doesn’t do things our way. And our way is the American way.”
He then performed 15 pushups out of nowhere, with Rick standing on his back with a dog collar around his neck.
To demonstrate his anti-terror plan, Scott presented a mannequin dressed up like Osama bin Laden. Rick Steiner grabbed the mannequin and suplexed him out of his pants. Scott then broke the doll in half, throwing each piece into the crowd of reporters while flexing some more.
It is not believed Presidential candidates are tested for anabolic steroids, but Guiliani has already made noise about instituting it. Said Rudy, “We need to test for steroids, and I’m not just talking about Scott. Have you heard Hillary’s deep voice? I think she’s on that stuff too.”
Regarding voters and polls, Scott hinted that he and his brother may resort to physical violence. “It’s plain and simple. Either you vote for us, or we’ll kick the crap outta you and your family,” he threatened.
The press conference was scheduled to be concluded with a discussion on public healthcare, but was cut short when Scott tore his biceps and Rick was too out of breath to continue.