Stupid Things Said by Stupid Marks

You know what we’re talking about.

You’re at the arena, or at some friend’s house, and the people there don’t know much about pro wrestling. In short, they’re marks. And they say stupid things.

Well, it’s time we start documenting those remarks. Please contact us with your stupid story. This list has the potential to be very, very long.

Sunday Night Heat sucks. They have stupid matches like Marc Mero against Droz.” – Some kid behind me at WCW SuperBrawl ’99, proving why no one watches WWE’s B-level shows like Heat and Velocity.

“What in the Hell is THAT?” – Some guy behind me at Royal Rumble ’93 for Giant Gonzales’ debut. This guy had been making “smart” comments all night, thinking he was hot sh*t. And he didn’t even know who El Gigante was.

“I guess good wrestling doesn’t run in the family!” – a fan, yelling at David Flair at WCW SuperBrawl ’00.

“Batista’s not on steroids, no way. I see guys that big in the gym all the time.” – Some guy at my work. You know, if a guy’s in the gym, then he can’t be on steroids, right?

“That guy Flair was a pansy. You know who was the best? Dusty Rhodes. He was the king.” – My dad’s friend, who is actually a smart guy, but not when it comes to wrestling apparently.

“Wrestling’s fake. No one ever gets hurt doing that.” – Some idiot on my track team in high school.

“I gotta admit, I like Hulk Hogan’s new look a lot better than his old look.” – Straw Hat Guy, the famous ECW ringsider, referring to when Hulk wore black in his brief heel turn tease in late ’95. Hey wait a minute, I thought ECW fans hated WCW and never watched it?

“The Ultimate Warrior died. Yep, he did. It was in the news.” – Some guy at my work, years before Warrior really did pass away. I just couldn’t convince him of the truth. Oh well.

“Hart Foundation against Strike Force, man that was the greatest match of all-time!” – A friend from high school, who apparently hadn’t seen much wrestling in his life.

“When is this match gonna start getting good?” – My friend from school, when I showed him the 1990 Match of the Year of Jushin Liger vs. Naoki Sano. He quickly shut up after Liger did a suicide dive into the front row.

“Mmmmmmm. Hmmmmmmmmmm. Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. Haaaaaaaaa. Heeeeeeeeee.” – Some guy making Japanese grunt noises during Mitsuharu Misawa’s match at an indie show in San Leandro, CA last year.

“Get a shorter song!” – Some kid at the San Leandro indie show, yelling at a wrestler who chose the slow-building entrance music Terry Funk used in 1989.

“WWF has too much talking. WCW has more wrestling.” – A 10-yr-old kid, who was the son of one of my co-workers, said this in 1999. Yes, 10 years old. A 10-year-old kid was smart enough to see that WWF guys waste way too much time on the mic. This kid was years ahead of his time, because now HHH does 20-minute promos every week that go nowhere.

“Yeah, Brock Lesnar can kick Angle’s ass! They had a real wrestling match one time and Brock owned Angle.” – Overheard at a bar watching some WWE PPV. (thanks to Steve Borchardt)

“Why don’t you stop flying airplanes into midgets?” – Said by some drunk mark at a local Minnesota indie show who was trying to belittle Shawn (Kosovar) Davari. The funny thing is, at the time Davari wasn’t doing the angry Arab gimmick…in fact, he was a babyface. I don’t even want to know what was up with the midget thing. (thanks to Steve Borchardt)

“Billy Gunn is actually the best pure athlete in the WWF.” – Said by a guy I used to work with who obviously took the word of Jim Ross as gospel truth. (thanks to Steve Borchardt)

“Hook the leg you jabroni!” – Said to Nova at ECW’s last Anarchy Rules PPV by this guy who always used to be in the front row at every Minnesota wrestling card. The thing was, he said this after EVERY move. (thanks to Steve Borchardt)

“Next week on Smackdown Kurt Angle, the true WWE champion and Olympic Gold Medalist will show HBK how to be a true WWE champion by making HBK’s former tag team partner (the rocksters) Mark janetti tap out.” – Posted on an Australian message board (thanks to Kristy M.)

“Isn’t Rick Martel King Kong Bundy’s brother? They look alike.” – This guy in my Year 8 home room class who was a wrestling fan and a top guy, but Martel and Bundy brothers? I still think about that day and just laugh. (thanks to Matt Sabo)

“I watched Wrestling with Shadows documentary. I’m never watching wrestling again; I didn’t know it was predetermined.” – My old school friend a year after we finished high school so that would make him 18 or 19 and he just figured it out. Gosh. (thanks to Matt Sabo)

“Jake’s head didn’t even touch the mat.” – I can’t remember who said that but he was commenting on when Undertaker gave Jake Roberts a Tombstone on the outside of the ring at Wrestlemania VIII. (thanks to Matt Sabo)

“Undertaker was wearing steel caps on his knees.” – My reply to that comment. I was a stupid mark but hey I was 12 years old. (thanks to Matt Sabo)

“Goldberg was an original member of the Road Warriors. You can tell by the bridge of his nose.” – Someone standing in line by me at The Nitro Grill, waiting to get Mike Awesome’s autograph. The guy always carried a briefcase and claimed to be a friend of Vince McMahon. (thanks to EpedemicOfHate)

“Yeah, but also back problems.”– A family member, after my mother asked why Bret Hart retired. He said it was because he had back problems, and I suggested it may have been the concussions, eventually culminating in a stroke that will forever prevent a comeback. He then responded to me with the above quote. (thanks to Mike Crisolago)

“Oh please! Sid (Vicious/Justice) can kick Benoit’s ass any day.”– A friend of mine who is not afraid to express his undying loyalty to the man with the worst punches in the business. (thanks to Mike Crisolago)

“HHH never wrestled Booker T at WrestleMania.”– The same friend as above, who was adamant this past weekend while watching WM21 together that I was imagining a HHH/Booker T match at WM two years ago. (thanks to Mike Crisolago)

“Who knew the Rock could be so funny?” – This was a hilarious “movie critic” quote from a poster for “The Rundown” that I also sent into Dave Meltzer at the time. He mentioned it on his site, as it has to be the worst example of poor research I have ever seen. Yeah, who knew the Rock could crack a joke? (thanks to Mike Crisolago)

“It’s just ketchup. My parents were in the front row once and saw a wrestler with the pack in his hand, and then he smeared it on his face.”– Perhaps my first experience with wrestling related ignorance, as a schoolyard friend tried to explain how wrestlers make it look like they’re bleeding. (thanks to Mike Crisolago)

“You knew that Batista used to be in ECW, right? He was known as Leviathan.”– Some guy at my work. I tried to explain to him that it was OVW, not ECW, and he didn’t believe me.

“Somebody save him, he’s trying to kill himself!”– Some woman freaking out about Sabu doing a moonsault onto a table, trying to break it. This was at the Father’s Day Bash in San Jose, the night Spike Dudley made his pro debut in 1994. I guess she had never seen anyone try to break a table before.

“Oh my God, look at that fag!”– Some lady pointing to Dave Meltzer. B*tch. Like she has any idea what a genius Dave is. In her defense, Dave was running to his seat at the arena, and someone yelled Hi to him. While he was running, he waved Hi back to the guy. I dare anyone reading this to run, wave Hi, smile, and NOT look gay. Poor Dave just didn’t stand a chance, and this b*tch called him on it.

“Amateur wrestling is the only sport you can have your ass in a guy’s face, and be winning.”– Artie Lange, on the Howard Stern show when they interviewed Kurt Angle on the phone.

“Stop humping the canvas!”– Some guy at the Oakland Coliseum in 1988, when Rick Rude was applying a lying chinlock to his opponent. He kept thrusting, not even on purpose, and it did indeed look like he was humping the canvas.

You’re fat and you’re ugly, and you have zits!”– Some lady at indie show last year, yelling at woman wrestler Sara Del Ray. What a thought-provoking insult, huh?

“We saw Earthquake at the hotel! He got up from the couch, and the couch had this HUGE dent in it!”– My friend Ben, back when we were kids.

“You knew that Great Muta was Kabuki’s son, right?”– My cousin’s husband.

“Is Big Show really Andre the Giant’s son?”– Some guy at my work.

“Look at Hogan. He’s lying on the ground, and he’s pulling up his tights. You’re gonna tell me that he’s really hurt, but he’s aware enough to pull up his tights?”– My uncle. No wonder he didn’t graduate high school.

“When it comes to push and shove, nobody shoves like Hogan.”– A movie critic, reviewing one of Hogan’s movies in the early 90s. Wow, he really believed Hogan was tough.

“I remember when he was Bad Leroy Brown.” – A friend who I watched Superstars of Wrestling with in the late 80’s after Bad News Brown was interviewed. (thanks to Holenallman)

“Elizabeth is REALLY Lanny Poffo’s wife.” – Overheard once. (thanks to the Doctor of Style)

I have heard people confuse Booker T with the Rock believe it or not. People are that dumb. (thanks to iwarrior)

“Hey, that looks like real fake blood to me!” – I once saw a couple of fans looking at the ring after the matches were over, and one was looking at the blood and said that. (thanks to 1bruiser)

“Sgt. Slaughter is the father of Chyna. Look at those chins!” – An old friend of mine’s ex-girlfriend tried telling me this. (thanks to bushinyou)

“He doesn’t wrestle anymore.” – In 1993, a guy asked a friend of mine what happened to Ric Flair after he left the WWF. That was his answer, not having a clue that there was wrestling besides the WWF (thanks to luckystarr)

“Kevin Nash vs. Goldberg is probably the best match ever.” – A friend of mine (thanks to JAYD)

“Like that hurts…it’s like falling on a trampoline.” – Another person (thanks to JAYD)

“Back when you wrestled, did you do the spin-a-roonie? That’s an awesome move!” – I was at a WLW show in Springfield, Mo. back in the summer of 2001. During the matches, Harley Race stood toward the back and watched the action. I was seated near him and I saw some goofy kid, probably 16 years old, approach him and engage in a conversation of sorts. The most ridiculous question was this. (thanks to Baby-Cindi)

“The start of the matches are fixed, but the endings are true to life.” – (thanks to Gil Wilcox)

“The original Ultimate Warrior died because of steroids and his arm bands were tied up so tightly that he got a heart attack.” (thanks to Peter from Canada)

“The Warrior’s muscles were rubber and the reason that he wore arm ties was to keep them on.” – I heard this from everyone, from classmates to people at shows. (thanks to CornetteFan1)

“See, they don’t get hurt because they know how to fall.” (thanks to IMDHuckster)

“The Undertaker retired in ’94 when he fought the new Undertaker, who then took his place, which is why he did more interviews after that point.” (thanks to defaula)

“Ric Flair owned WCW and that’s why he was always the champion.” (thanks to defaula)

“Hulk Hogan was sent to WCW by Vince McMahon and he was gonna show up at either Summerslam or Survivor Series ’95 with the opposing belt.” (thanks to defaula)

“Yokozuno only came to the WWF because he had mastered sumo and he needed new challenges.” – I believe I can thank the WWF magazine for that one. (thanks to defaula)

“Vader and Bam Bam Bigelow were brothers.” (thanks to defaula)

“Andre the Giant had only been defeated once, at ‘Mania 3.” (thanks to defaula)

“Jimmy Hart was Bret and Owen’s brother.” (thanks to defaula)

I was at the bar Hammerjacks in Baltimore 15 years ago and watched a guy walk up to Shawn Michaels and ask him where his partner Robert Gibson was. Michaels laughed until he realized the dude was serious. (thanks to Racer 1)

After WrestleMania V, I spoke to my best friend on the phone to discuss the show. He was upset about Rick Rude beating The Ultimate Warrior for the IC title so I said to him, “It’s OK, he only won because he cheated.” He then responded, “Yeah, Hulk cheated to beat Savage too.” I was a bit dumbfounded since Hogan won cleanly and asked him how did Hulk cheat. He said, “He kicked out of the elbow, you aren’t allowed in wrestling to kick out of another guy’s finishing move.” I said that wasn’t true and he got so mad at me that he hung up and we didn’t speak for a month. Hulk’s cheating nearly destroyed our friendship. (thanks to Peter from Canada)

I was sitting next to a married couple who escaped from their trailer park who swore that the Midnight Rider was NOT Dusty Rhodes. Their expression was priceless when he took off his mask while the ref was knocked out. Later on, they called me some pretty bad racist names under their breath when they heard me cheering for the Zambuie Express. (thanks to SWW72)

I convinced an ex-girlfriend that Kamala was really from the Sudan and had been imprisoned for cannibalism. So when his music came on, she freaked and watched him the whole match sitting on the arena floor, peeking over the chair in front of her. (thanks to Troy Hane)

“Krusher Khruschev really is Russian. I read it in PWI.” -overheard at a match in the 80’s (thanks to Jerry Pilarz)

“Bill Aptner owns the NWA. That’s how he gets all the stories for the magazines and that’s why he gets to take all the pictures at ringside.” -also overheard at a match in the 80’s (thanks to Jerry Pilarz)

“They don’t cut themselves, they use blood capsules.” – high school friend. Then when it was pointed again that they blade, “No, man. They’re capsules. I know a guy that makes them.” (thanks to Jerry Pilarz)

“You can see the plastic tubes of blood running through Tommy Fulton’s hair.” – overheard at a UWF show around ’87-’88 during a Fantastics vs. Eddie Gilbert and Sting match. I was in the front row. No tubes, but man, that was one sick blade job. (thanks to Jerry Pilarz)

“Wrestling is fake. My brother and I met Harley Race and he told us so.” – I’m from the Kansas City area and this was supposedly said to a buddy of mine around ’86 or so, when kayfabe was still in full effect. (thanks to Jerry Pilarz)

“Chris Benoit got in trouble and almost got fired because he almost broke HHH’s neck with the Crossface.” -overheard at the RAW show in KC this past September. (thanks to Jerry Pilarz)

“I hear that wasn’t really Hawk talking at the beginning of L.O.D’s theme song.” – Said by my best friend who would always try to argue wrestling with me. (thanks to Jack Meils)

“Did you know Val Venis and Triple H are the same people? The only difference in their appearance is one has wet hair. Look at them, they’re clearly the same.” – Said by my friend’s dad, which was a shocker, because he knew his wrestling. (thanks to Jack Meils)

“What did Vince McMahon have set in the script tonight?” – My dad, implying that Vince wrote every storyline and directed everything backstage. (thanks to Jack Meils)

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