Stupid Things Said by Stupid Marks

“HHH is twice the wrestler the Rock eva was all the rock does is sprout off childish catchphrases and talk while the game gets things done inside the ring.” – From the imdb’s boards (thanks to Josh Leeman)

“If you can’t see techniques in the Peoples Elbow, then you understand nothing at all in wrestling” – Rock-fanaticer at one Russian forum. (thanks to Mozgokluy from Russia)

“Kevin Nash and his stable NWO has ruled WCW for several decades.” – Some guy at one Russian forum. (thanks to Mozgokluy from Russia)

“No it’s not, I know what Matt Borne looks like!” – My then next door neighbor when watching an early 1993 WWF show when Doink The Clown came out to the ring and I told him it was really Matt Borne. (thanks to Holenallman)

“Everyone knows Paul Orndorff was one of the original Road Warriors”– Overheard at the sports bar I watched Wrestlemania XXI at during the hall of fame introductions. (thanks to Holenallman)

A co-worker told me one time that Triple H had surgery to have water hoses put in his head so before his entrance he can turn it on and be drenched. (thanks to Emerson Witner)

1986 – I was filling out my PWI Year-end Award-ballot in the late 80s, and for the space they gave you to write in your own award, I wrote down , “Dumbest Nickname of the Year – Dingo Warrior.” My cousin Bobby told me I better change it because all wrestlers read Pro Wrestling Illustrated (the obvious bible of wrestling), and Warrior would probably come to my house and kick my ass! I pathetically took his advice and instead wrote, “Best Dressed Tag Team – The Fantastics!” Ugh. (thanks to Jasbir Singh).

1986 – Me and my childhood friend Chris were talking about how great Wrestlemania 2 was, especially the Battle Royal. He asked, “Can you believe Andre The Giant (the winner of the Battle Royal) won $1 million?” I corrected him by saying, “Naw man, he won ‘only’ $100,000.” He said, “F*ckin Bullsh*t!” We continued to go back and forth, and eventually stopped talking for almost a week. I told another friend what we were arguing about, and he said we were both stupid for watching that ‘fake crap’ anyway. (thanks to Jasbir Singh).

1987 – When a friend of mine found out I was a wrestling fan, he told me, “Dude, you know Hulk Hogan is on steroids, by the way he shakes all of the time.” I said, “No way. Vince McMahon and the WWF regularly test for drugs, and they would never allow that. And anyway, he loves his fans too much.” (thanks to Jasbir Singh).

1988 – My dad told my doctor I spent too much time watching wrestling. My doctor looked stunned and said, “So you like watching those big fat comedians jumping around like they have no brains?!” My dad and the doctor started laughing like crazy. I started crying and thinking to myself, “If only Hulk Hogan was here.” (thanks to Jasbir Singh).

“You know those ring steps are made of Styrofoam, that’s why they make so much noise.” – Said to me by a friend who always claims wrestling is “fake.” (thanks to Shawn Shofner)

“You know, Ric Flair was the first bodybuilder in professional wrestling.” – The father of the bride of which I was a grooms-man at. 30 seconds later she said – “Oh, I used to date Ric Flair.” To which I replied, “Yeah? Who in the south hasn’t dated Ric Flair?” (thanks to Atul Batra)

“Luther’s a loser.” – I went to a WWE house show and there was this annoying guy behind me for the entire night saying that over, and over, and over, and over again repeatedly. Even during Heidenreich’s match. (thanks to Mike Rosati)

Recently attended Backlash in Manchester, NH and heard this said by a guy in the row behind me after waving his arms before Chris Masters chose a plant in the first few rows for the Masterlock Challange: “Damn, we’ll have to get front row next time there in town so I can win that money and put a good payment down a car.” (thanks to Jeff Morin)

I was at an Indy show here in the UK and John ‘Earthquake’ Tenta was wrestling a match. Loads of people were shouting out for him to perform his Earthquake Splash. This went on for, like, 5 minutes, until some smart-ass shouted out, at the top of his voice, ‘Springboard-Twisting-Asai-Moonsault!’ Needless to say, there were a few laughs as well as a few confused kids. (thanks to Richie V)

During a discussion on good, technical wrestlers like Benoit and Angle, my brother added, “You have to admit that Hardcore Holly is a good wrestler.” (thanks to Kristin Goreham)

“Rowdy Rody Piper is dead. I just saw it on CNN” -Nick from Baltimore’s Mom. It was actually Rod Roddy from the Price is Right that passed away. (thanks to Nick Kindrat)

A friend of mine began saying that no one matched fighting skills like Cena. Just because Cena beat JBL at WM21 “it proved that Cena is one of the best fighters in the industry because he ended JBL’s long title reign.” I tried correcting him by showing some Steve Blackman, Ken Shamrock, Kurt Angle, and Dan Severn footage (Ken and Severn from UFC) but he would those off calling those fake storylines. Can there truly be anyone else that would call these four legitimate tough guys fake? (no name given)

“AJ Styles is nothing but a short Randy Orton clone.”– Said by some dumb mark in a Yahoo chat room, obviously he doesn’t realize Styles has been wrestling longer (no name given)

“I told my friend that Demolition Smash was the Repo Man, and he was laughing so hard he fell off the chair. I was like, ‘Hey bud, are you okay?’ He wouldn’t stop laughing. Neither of us ever knew it was the same guy.” – Overheard in line at an indie show.

“The Ultimate Warrior is coming back to WWE. So is King Kong Bundy. I read it on the internet.” – Someone I know. He said this in October of 2007, by the way. Where does he get his news from, the Onion?

“John Cena is coming back at WrestleMania. He’s going to wrestle Beth Phoenix for the women’s title.” – A friend of mine. He said this seriously, like he really believed it.

“I don’t know man, Rany Orton’s pretty good. He reversed the F-U from John Cena.” – A friend of mine. He said this like Orton was really countering a move for real, as opposed to following a scripted finish. Does he know wrestling is fixed?

“Chuck Zito wants to fight at 52? It could be done, but he would have to end the fight quickly.” – A former co-worker of mine, apparently clueless that Zito has never had an MMA fight, is far too old to even be allowed to fight in a regulated state, and would get his ass handed to him by even the most novice MMA fighter of any size.

“It looks like they’re having sex.” – Just about everyone I’ve ever watched an MMA fight with.

“King Booker T? Didn’t they try that angle in WCW?” – An old co-worker. I must have missed that angle in WCW somehow.

“Why does HHH hate the Rock so much? Is it because Rock made it in the movies and he didn’t?” – An ex-coworker. Umm, yeah, sure, that’s the reason.

“I found some guy on the internet in Puerto Rico selling wrestling DVDs for real cheap. Do you think it’s legit?” – A friend of mine… who apparently will believe anything anyone says and is about to lose a lot of money to some crook in Puerto Rico.

“I went to Raw last night, but when I went home and watched it on TV, I noticed they didn’t air some of the stuff that happened at the end of the show!” – A friend of mine, who apparently isn’t aware that after Raw goes off the air, they do dark matches and angles in the arena to send the fans home happy.

“I went to see the WWF on the weekend, and they did the Brother Love show three times! They probably messed up and had to do it over.” – A former classmate of mine, who wasn’t aware that in the 80s and early 90s, the WWF used to tape three weeks worth of television at once.

“Was Chris Benoit upset about his demotion from Horseman to Raw?” – Nancy Grace, who said this classic line the first time she covered the Benoit case. That has to be the funniest, most clueless line (on so many levels) ever. The intern who did research for Nancy on that one deserves some sort of award.

“Oh, he has to be Jean-Claude’s brother.” – My stepmother watching her first RVD match. (thanks to Austin)

“(insert move name here) doesn’t hurt! Here, put it on me…” – Far too many people in far too many places. The best one for me was the Figure Four, which left a friend crying. (thanks to Austin)

“Randy Orton beats the Undertaker at Mania, they’re SO going to make him the number one contender.” – Some guy at college who truly thought that RKO was going to end the streak. (thanks to Austin)

“That blood’s not real. They use ketchup.” (thanks to Mitch)

“Chris Benoit wasn’t a good wrestler anyway.” (thanks to Mitch)

“Lance Storm is really boring. Steve Austin’s right that he’s sleeping during the match.” (thanks to Mitch)

“You wanna be a PRO WRESTLER? You going to UFC?” (thanks to Mitch)

“Hulk Hogan put wrestling on the map. I remember at the first Wrestlemania Hogan beat the Iron Sheik for his first WWE title reign.” – He was right that he did in fact beat Iron Sheik for his first WWE title reign, but it actually happened a year before Wrestlemania (thanks to Travis)

“Simon Dean is played by Rico.” – Even though Rico and Simon Dean are from different ethnic backgrounds. (thanks to Travis)

I had a cousin who swore that Ivan Putski and Mighty Igor were the same person. I think he got this ridiculous notion because sometimes in the magazines they would actually show a picture of Igor and list his name as Ivan Putski and vice versa. I actually went back through my old wrestling magazine collection and showed him actual matches of the two against each other and his response was the the photos were pasted together to appear as 2 different people. I’ll have to admit that they did resemble each other in the mid 70’s when Ivan was off the juice. But even so, Ivan still had muscles as to which I never saw on Igor at any time. (thanks to Mike T.)

Some guy at high school said that wrestlers wore rubber masks with fake blood in them. (no name given)

“Dude wrestling is fake. I saw HHH hit some guy with a sledge hammer and he got right back up.” That’s funny because I don’t remember that ever happening, and HHH would never let that happen anyway. (thanks to John)

“What, like $100,000?” – My friend Wes, when I asked him how much he thinks John Cena earns in one year.  He’s only off by a few million dollars.

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