“The Never-Ending WrestleMania” by LANNY POFFO

“The Never-Ending WrestleMania” by LANNY POFFO

Buenos dias, Armpit troopers. It is I, your genius of leaping (as Broken Matt Hardy would probably refer to me as), Lanny Poffo.

Having suffered through a tortuous WrestleMania that elapsed over time periods too numerous to quantify, yours truly was at a loss for words for once in my life. With two weeks to recover and recuperate from the endless assortment of matches that zapped my formerly abundant energy, I’ve now returned to review, critique, articulate, and pontificate regarding the never-ending WrestleMania 33.


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WrestleMania 33 has finally come and gone
Seemed like it would never end, lasting 7 hours long
What’s wrong with WWE? Do they think we have no life?
Halfway through the show I wanted to slice my wrists with a knife
While the wrestling was good, my patience was wearing thin
I hadn’t been in this much pain since my doctor chopped off my foreskin


Even the pre-show was long, with 3 matches aplenty
It felt like Sgt Slaughter was asking me to drop and give him twenty
The Battle Royal was lame, with some NFL guy I’ve never heard of
Some goon in shorts and a hat giving Jinder Mahal a shove
Worst part was the winner, Mojo Rawley the geeky jock
Quite a contrast from last year, with Austin, HBK, and Rock

The cruiserweights were good, but the crowd couldn’t have cared less
They sat on their asses as if Neville and Aries were in there playing chess
Ambrose vs Corbin, meanwhile, felt like a SmackDown TV match
I was more interested in fantasizing about Renee Young’s hot little snatch
And that sexy chocolate candy singing ‘America the Beautiful’
To keep up with her in the sack, I’d need something pharmaceutical

To kick things off, Shane and AJ had a four-star affair
But the selling… yikes; this wasn’t exactly Steamboat vs Flair
Still the match was great, with Shane-O-Mac silencing his critics
He gets his jollies pushing the laws of gravity to their limits
When all was said and done, the right man got his hand raised
And Shane’s wife is such a tasty dish, I’d love to shoot her with my glaze

 

Next up was the battle of the former best friends
With Jericho touring with Fozzy, we knew how this match ends
The hype and promos were great, the highlight of Raw all year
If the List of Jericho goes away, I’ll surely shed a tear
They had a decent match, especially considering Jericho’s age
To think it was just February when he was held high above in the cage

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Then we had the women, in all their sexy glory
Love it when they wear outfits that make them look so whorey!
Bayley is so cute, the girl next door I’d love to foul
I made a mess in my pants so big, I had to grab a towel
Sasha and Charlotte, I could watch them wrestle all day
While Nia Jax turns me on in that plus-size-model kind of way

The Fatal Fourway was a pleasant surprise, Matt and Jeff are back!
They moved kind of slowly, but they’re old now; cut ‘em some slack
The ladders added excitement, with bodies bumping left and right
It almost took my attention off of Sheamus, whose skin is so damn white
Enzo and Cass were decent, they didn’t even blow any spots
And Cesaro, my God, he could carry them on his shoulders and still do 50 squats

For the mainstream media, we had Miz vs John Cena
For the heterosexual men, we had two fine ass divas
Nikki Bella looked delicious, and Maryse has made me a believer
I wouldn’t discourage either one of them from sliding down my wiener
The marriage proposal was what mattered, so all the girls could cry
Now Cena’s life is over, he can kiss his freedom and money goodbye

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Seth Rollins then got his revenge, sending Stephanie through a table
The only thing more satisfying would be a hand job from Sable
HHH worked a traditional match, methodical and slow
It’s not exactly what the fans wanted to see on this show
Rollins’ knee was supposedly injured, so why was he flying like a bird?
Probably for the same reason ‘kayfabe’ lost its meaning as a word

And speaking of breaking kayfabe, we had Orton vs Wyatt
Had this been the main event, fans would’ve started a riot
Seriously, what was with those holograms of bugs and worms?
Wyatt should’ve been more furious that Orton made his house burn
It took away the ability to suspend my disbelief
And it didn’t help that this match most totally reeked

But give credit where it’s due, Goldberg vs Lesnar tore down the house
We were all relieved it went so well, because everyone had their doubts
There were only 4 moves: jackhammer, F5, German suplex, and spear
And the following night on Raw, Goldberg’s speech was so sincere
The match was 5 minutes of intensity, their gorgeous wives must be proud
The things I’d do to those women really shouldn’t be allowed

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Speaking of bodacious babes, we had the SmackDown elimination
I want them all in my bed right now, they’ve got an open invitation
Alexa Bliss is so hot, she’s the quintessential spinner
It’s a shame against humanity that they didn’t make her the winner
The other divas are no slouches, with this ring I thee wed
If they woke up next to me tomorrow morning, I wouldn’t kick them out of bed

Finally we had the Deadman and Roman, the latter of whom got massive boos
Then the Undertaker retired, a story so big it made the mainstream news
23-2, still a record so impressive
But wrestling is fake, so it’s easily dismissive
Just kidding, the match wasn’t bad at all
Considering Undertaker is as old as Lucille Ball

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The fans were shocked into silence, and then gave Undertaker a standing ovation
They remember him from childhood, always an object of their adulation
It was probably his last match, as he left his gloves, hat, and coat behind
But for all we know, he’ll come back next year, as he always changes his mind
If it was really the end this time, he went out with a bang
Often imitated, never duplicated; no one will ever live up to his name

Overall, the show was good, despite its never-ending length
As bad as Vince can be, WrestleMania is his biggest strength
Raw was good as well, with Finn Balor and Revival
SmackDown was even better, with Nakamura’s amazing arrival
Things are looking up, and I don’t give praise lightly
And this is coming from a man who jerks it to Alexa Bliss nightly

Disclaimer: Lanny Poffo didn’t really write this. The Armpit did. But we know it’s what Lanny would say.

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