The Royal Roast: JBL

The Royal Roast: JBL

Welcome to the JBL Roast, featuring the current SmackDown color commentator and WWE headliner JBL, also known as Bradshaw and Justin Bradshaw Layfield.  You may also know him as just about the biggest bully ever to step into a wrestling ring, using his massive size, strength, and bar fighting prowess to belittle, haze, and intimidate everyone who didn’t pose a physical threat to him.

JBL once claimed that if wrestling was a shoot, he’d beat everyone in the locker room. So which menacing, hulking, beast knocked him out in a bar fight? Joey Styles, the smallest runt in the company who isn’t even a wrestler.

Yeah, you kicked Blue Meanie’s ass. Congratulations, you beat up a short, overweight, out of shape part-timer with no fighting background. Which menacing beast will you pick on next, the one-armed drummer from Def Leppard?

You were part of the APA. Ron Simmons is a tough guy, but the difference between you and him is that he won’t hit you from behind, you cheap-shotting coward.

You said that Eddy Guerrero went to bat for you and thought you’d make a good main event heel. We love Eddy like a brother, but if you were his idea of a main event heel, then thank goodness he never became a booker.

The JBL character draws lots of comparisons to the Million Dollar Man gimmick from years ago. It’s true, JBL is exactly like Ted DiBiase… without the talent, charisma, charm, and every other redeeming positive quality.

What’s that taste in your mouth? Is it last night’s dinner, or the residue from Steve Blackman’s boot when he kicked you in the face and knocked your ass out in that infamous airport fight from years ago.

Congratulations JBL, you’re the only person on Earth who’s a bigger a**hole than Bob Holly.

What do JBL and his wife’s cable news broadcast last night have in common? They’re both yesterday’s news.

I’m not saying you’re a bad wrestler, but good matches from you happen less frequently than Halley’s Comet.

The closest you’ll ever be to being a real man, JBL, is when your sorry ass visits the great men and women of the US military, you sucker-puncher.

Remember that goose-stepping incident in Germany from 2004? Associating yourself with the Nazis was a true disgrace, I tell you. A disgrace to the Nazis, that is.

Nice image makeover you got there. After all, there’s nothing more intimidating than a tall, flabby, dorky, clean-cut accountant in a suit and tie who rides around in a limo with horns on it.

Your stock advice is good, and your book was well written. You’ve had a lot of success in the stock market. Too bad your success in marriage isn’t quite as good, since your ex-wife walked away with all your money.

Apparently your injuries are so bad that you can no longer wrestle. My question is, When were you ever a wrestler in the first place?

I’ve seen your PPV numbers from all the shows you main evented. According to my research, the only person you’ve ever drawn money for is your ex-wife’s lawyer.

I’m not saying you’ve gotten fired a lot from your stock analysis jobs on TV, but let’s just say that you’re the Marty Jannetty of news cable television.

What were the Black Eyed Peas called before JBL attended one of their concerts? The Peas.

Blue Meanie called you a bully and so you beat him up… like a bully. Lance Storm called you a bully and so you tried to pick a fight with him… like a bully. If I tell people you quit the wrestling business, will you do everyone a favor and get the f*ck off TV and get out of our lives?

When Public Enemy left WWE, you and Ron Simmons roughed them up pretty badly in their last match. When Brock Lesnar and Bill Goldberg left WWE, why didn’t you try to rough them up? Oh that’s right, because they’d kick your f*cking ass.

I love the way you apologized like a little bitch after you got in trouble in Germany for goose-stepping. Between kissing so much ass in Germany and licking so many balls at WWE headquarters in Connecticut, it’s no wonder your tongue has jet lag.

I hope one day you and your wife decide to have children. I never thought of you as a parental figure, but you might be good at it. After all, you’ve got bigger tits than my mother does.

Actually, JBL is a big help to me. I freely admit to recording all his matches and putting them onto a single DVD. I then use it to help me fall asleep.

Have you ever considered telling people that the “BL” in “JBL” stands for “bin Laden?” It might do you some good. After all, Osama himself was only slightly less repulsive than you are.

Boy, I just love the relevance of your references on SmackDown. They’re aimed right at the 100-year-old demographic. If Matt Hardy and Reby Sky ever come to SmackDown, what hip, current, hot Hollywood couple are you going to compare them to… Adam & Eve?

We’ve all heard your excuses for why you bully everyone in sight. Now I know why your limo has horns; they go great with all your bullsh*t. reported that the number of atheists has risen in the past two years. Experts can’t explain it, but personally I feel it’s because you started calling yourself a wrestling God.

You wrote a financial book called “Have More Money Now.” Ironically your ex-wife also wrote a book right after she divorced you; it’s called “I Have More Money Now.”

Vince McMahon then wrote his own book about the time period you were headlining; it’s called “We Have Less Money Now.”

And finally.

Your gimmick is that you’re a racist, prejudiced, snobby, know-it-all jerk who orders minorities around and pisses everyone off. In other words, you act like yourself.

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