The Royal Roast: VINCE RUSSO

The Royal Roast: VINCE RUSSO

Welcome to the Vince Russo Roast, featuring the former head writer for the WWF in the Attitude era, and later the head writer who put WCW out of business. Also, he didn’t put TNA out of business (came close, though), but he did cost them their lucrative deal with Spike TV, and the company has been a disaster ever since.

I see you’ve discovered God. To quote Jim Cornette, I feel that if there really was a God, you wouldn’t BE in the wrestling business.

You made the notorious mistake of emailing Mike Johnson of PWInsider accidentally, instead of Mike Tenay, which caused Spike TV to get rid of TNA. Can you do us a favor and email Don West? That way you’ll accidentally email Donald Trump instead, and he can deport your sorry ass to whatever f*cked up planet you came from.

One thing I’ll give you is that as a Christian, you’re capable of performing miracles. After all, your booking of WCW and TNA miraculously made Dusty Rhodes look like a f*cking genius.

In case anyone didn’t know, Vince Russo has a podcast called “The Brand.” To show he’s still loyal to his religion, he does the sign of the cross before each show. You know, “In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Son’s Girlfriend Who is Pregnant with Her Father’s Baby.”

I invited Bryan Alvarez (author of The Death of WCW) to attend this roast, but he couldn’t come. He was too busy writing The Death of TNA.

It’s really a shame you put WCW out of business. Now we’ll never get to see that War Games match between the Nitro Girls and Judy Bagwell’s church group.

I wanted to bring my 96-year-old grandmother to this roast, but I was afraid you might book her in a bra and panties match.

I’m glad you attend church, but your priest told me you have a hard time accepting the Communion because you first have to remove Jeff Jarrett’s c*ck from your mouth before taking the body of Christ.

My sources tell me that your conversion to Christianity took 12 months. One month was for the education, and the other 11 months were how long it took you to confess all the immoral, disgusting crap you’ve produced on television.

If you had booked Christianity, you’d have made St. Mary pregnant with Moses’ baby.

The next time you decide to “die” and be “born again,” can you do us all a favor and remain dead?

How long before your local all-girl church choir sings at your next indie show and then breaks out into a huge, fake-looking brawl like you did with the Nitro Girls?

When your kids earn their Communion, are you going to book David Arquette to do a run-in?

Your wife told me that when you read the Bible, you turn the page with one hand and fondle Ed Ferrara’s balls with the other.

I don’t know if having Vince Russo as a Christian is a good idea. After all, if he has any say, God would turn heel and form a tag team with the Devil.

If TNA could only have drawn one fan for every bullsh*t lie you’ve ever told, you’d have been the most successful booker of all-time.

Earth to Vince: you are NOT supposed to use Holy water to douse the nuns in a wet t-shirt contest.

I wonder if the church will have a problem with the slogans on the t-shirts you sell. You know, the slogan that says, “I’m an American, and I don’t give a sh*t about Japanese and Mexican wrestlers.”

In your version of the Bible, I heard that homosexuality is still a sin, but lesbianism is a Godsend.

They say there’s a sucker born every minute. I don’t know about that, but I do know one who was born on October 6, 1954. Her name is Dixie Carter, the only human being alive (besides Jeff Jarrett) dumb enough to employ your ass after bankrupting WCW.

Ever since Vince Russo has been giving sermons, attendance at church is down 80%. Just like when you booked WCW, huh Vince.

Good grief, I just had a flashback to Nitro circa 2000. In every Goddamn segment, Vince Russo was on my TV screen. I don’t know how you did it, but you managed to make the McMahon family seem camera shy.

You used to have an indie promotion called Ring of Glory. I spoke to the guy who edited the script for their first show. Call me crazy, Vince, but you showed poor judgment when you booked a segment in which the nuns molest the altar boys with hot wax candles.

Have you told the church yet that the last ever WCW PPV event was called WCW Sin?

And finally…

You wrote a book called Forgiven. Well I’ve got thousands of disgruntled ex-NWA and WCW fans reading this right now who are pissed off that WCW Monday Nitro is gone, and let me tell you, you are NOT forgiven.

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